Tamara's Past Memorare's

OUR NEW BLOG ADDRESS

2009-02-14T11:29:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone! Just so you know, I won't be posting here any longer!!! If you have our old address; sweetlittlelamb.blogspot.com on your blog list, PLEASE change it our new address;

grippingmercyandgrace.blogspot.com

Thank you all for your patience through our transition and thanks for joining us at our new site

Blessings, Tamara

PLEASE VISIT US

HERE

OUR NEW BLOG SITE!

IF YOUR BACK FOR A VISIT TO READ MY OLD POST(S), THEY ARE ALL LISTED UNDER THE CATEGORY COLUMN TO THE RIGHT. JUST CLICK ON THE ONE YA WANT TO READ AND YOU WILL BE RE-DIRECTED TO IT! THANKS FOR STILL FOLLOWING ME HERE EVEN THOUGH WE'VE MOVED ON. I PRAY YOU ARE BLESSED BY YOUR VISIT HERE!

MY FINAL POSTING FOR THIS BLOG!

2009-02-09T05:08:00.000-08:00

Due to an ugly incident with the lady that did my blog, I will no longer be posting to this site.

WE HAVE A NEW SITE AND WOULD LOVE FOR YOU ALL TO CONTINUE TO JOIN US THERE.

PLEASE E-MAIL ME AT hislittlelambs@msn.com AND I WILL BE HAPPY TO GIVE YOU OUR NEW ADDRESS.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING REGARDING THIS SITUATION AND WE ALL LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU ON OUR NEW SITE!

I WILL BE LEAVING THIS BLOG UP DUE TO ALL THE TIME I HAVE PUT INTO IT.

Sorry It's Been SOOO Long!

2009-02-05T20:58:00.000-08:00

I must admit that I withdrawal from time to time. I find that if I am overwhelmed in life, a bath... a book... a movie... sweats, no makeup and a pony-tail become my friends and I burrow in and don't come out for awhile. I wish I was not like this but I am and I am sorry for not posting on what has been going on with us. I know I have alot to catch up on with you all, and I've got alot to catch you all up on with us, so here it goes from my side of the fence...

My blood tests came back and attested that I do indeed have or had Fifths disease. Some of my other levels are high with different things but all in all I am o.k!

As soon as I began to feel better, Joey and I spent Super Bowl Sunday in the ER due to the worst case of Croup they have seen. Two days later my face (cheeks and neck) had a itchy rash all over. I took the pink stuff which helped, but now my "whole body" has some sort of non raised rash all over that itches and is driving me nuts! Joey, since we left the ER, has had red arms but no itch and Jacob came home from school today with a low grade fever and really bad sore throat! Abby is seizing more now and will cry out in immense pain before she has a big episode. She is still not attending school and hopefully we will resolve this soon. I am still battling our insurance regarding nursing, I think this will be a long one, but will keep you all updated with what's going on. So, all in all we are DOING WONDERFUL!

I have made a doctor appointment for the boys tomorrow and am hoping I can slip in my itchy issues and see what the doc says! I am VERY thankful that Abby has been virus free with all this going on and would ask that we all pray she continues to be!

I can clearly say that I DETEST being 40 thus far as I have done nothing but fall apart! I was hoping things would click for me mentally all the time, that I would instantly become more mature.. but, my thoughts are foggy, I'll start a sentence forget what I was going to say but won't even bother to question as to what I was trying babble out! My body, well you know, oh and gravity, well this lovely thing has become my new UNWANTED friend... Growing old is a thing of beauty, really!

So that's us in a nutshell. But you know with all this said and done I don't want to seem ungrateful for all the blessings I do have! This is just reality for me now. I don't want to be fake, nor will I try and be. This life and this cross that I carry sometimes just down right stinks for seasons (big or small) but, God IS on His throne, His hand IS upon my life whether I am preserved or falling apart, so I WILL persevere, I WILL "try" and see His goodness in all, and I am SO thankful for moments like these that keep me smiling and keep me going!

What A Week!

2009-01-29T08:31:00.000-08:00

Hi there, I'm Back! My mom and her sweet friend just left and I can not thank them enough for driving out here to give me, my husband and the boys much needed R&R!

This past weekend was my birthday and Matt and the boys and I all went to the Broadmore in Colorado Springs! It was so special and whoa so beautiful!!! Here is a photo from their website, but being that it is winter... just imagine a blanket of soft snow enshrouding it!

Ohhhh at night the snow glowed from twinkle lit trees all over... just breathe taking!

In the morning I got the princess treatment with a spa day! Leaving early in the am, all was quiet as I walked a path laced with lanterns and trees that could tell stories from centuries ago! Warm sunbeams streamed through the trees and soft snow fell from the sky like diamonds... A stunning lake half covered with ice was a rest spot for geese... steam rose from the waters edge, it was magical! Right before I turned to walk into the spa, the geese began to honk and they all took flight, hundreds of them... it was like out of a movie and I was the only one outside to witness this majestic site! God spoke, "Happy Birthday My Daughter" to my heart in that moment, oh how I felt loved!

Entering the spa was like walking into the movie, Pride and Prejudice! I felt so honored to be there... Like little orphan Annie mingling with old money! I didn't belong, I felt way outta my league, but non the less drank in its beauty as I sipped my cucumber water and relaxed on a cloud while being hugged by a warm fuzzy robe!

When we came home we dropped the boys off and Matt and I went on a date! Oh so nice to just be with my husband... not having family nor anyone to watch Abby and the boys this was a rare treat! As we entered the house my mom, Tammy and the boys screamed out, "SURPRISE"!!!! They had decorated the house and bought me a cake! How sweet it was to see my boys so elated that they orchestrated this whole ordeal with a little help from mom & Tammy!

Oh and THEN... ALL YOUR E-MAILS, CARDS IN THE MAIL AND FUN BIRTHDAY PACKAGES!!!! THANK YOU!!! I LOVED EACH AND EVERYONE!
I am so touched that you would do this for me!
I am honored and blessed to have each one of you as sisters in Christ!
Thank you for making my 40th easy to swallow!
(((HUGS))) to you all!!!

Dr. Appointment Update

2009-01-24T07:39:00.000-08:00

Hi all, thank you so much for praying for me!!!! I actually feel better this morning in my wrists, neck and elbows. My knees and ankles are swollen and my fingers are slowing coming back from being so tight and tingly.

The doctor said that 5th disease is most likely what I have and that there has been a lot of it going around in the schools as of late. When a child gets it they look like their cheeks have been slapped red, rash on the arms with a high fever. When an adult gets this, it attacks their joints for 6-8 weeks with much pain. Adults getting 5th disease is not common, nor contagious and you catch it from a carrier just through the air! I am on an anti-inflammatory now in hopes to alleviate the swelling and pain. They also took 6 viles of blood to test for Rheumatoid Arthritis, Cancer, Lupus or Mono. All this sounds like so much fun but I'd like to bank on 5th disease and leave it there, please Lord!!

I appreciate all your personal e-mails and advice, I will hold on to each one and when I hear the results in 5-7 days I may use some of them!

My Mom and her friend, Tammy have been such a great help! Last night Tammy (she is an RN) took Abby's monitor with her to bed and watched Abby through the night for me so I was able to get real "sound" sleep for the 1st time in oh..... almost 4 years! I had such a peace when I went to sleep and let me tell you what a blessing to have no worries through the night... Thank you Lord, Thank you Tammy!!!

Again I can not thank you all enough for all your prayers! I am so blessed to have each and everyone of you praying on my behalf and my daughters too! May the Lord bless each one of you!

I will update again when I know the results of the tests. Having family and a good solid nurse around we are going to take advantage and I think steal away to the mountains to play with the boys.... much needed R&R!

Love you all!

Insurance for Disabled Kids ~ SCHIP

2009-01-23T09:03:00.000-08:00

I just found out that Abby has used more than 1/2 her million dollar cap and that is why the insurance company is pulling private duty nursing which runs at $150,000.00 to $200,000.00 per year!!! This morning I began searching for other means to help aid in covering her medical needs. She does have Medicaid as a back up, but it's like pulling teeth to get them to pay for anything! I came across this article and found it to be very informative. Take a moment to read it and lets all pray together that President Obama signs this bill unlike President Bush who vetoed it twice... I was really bummed when I read that. Also. If you CLICK on the TITLE of this post it will take you to a site that has really great info on CHIP. Down towards the bottom of it, there is wonderful info, resources and contact information. I hope this helps those of us that can benefit from it!

Access To State Children's Health Insurance Programs Vital To Disabled Children ScienceDaily (Jan. 22, 2009)

The proposed federal expansion of the State Children’s Health Insurance Program should help improve disabled children’s access to services, but more needs to be done at the state level to meet their needs, according to a new study from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.

Susan Parish, an assistant professor at the UNC School of Social Work and the study’s lead author, found that families raising children with disabilities are particularly struggling to get services in states where qualifications for the public health insurance program – widely known as “SCHIP” – are less generous, meaning that they earn too much to qualify for the insurance program based on their state’s income limits.
According to the research, this includes families whose household income is less than three times the poverty level.
Others less likely to receive needed support services include parents who speak limited English, children who are uninsured and children with severe impairments.
Nationwide, some 12 million children have special health care needs, said Parish, who has conducted extensive research on children with disabilities and their families.
“The evidence is compelling and overwhelmingly confirms the need to expand and strengthen health insurance coverage for children with disabilities and their families,” she said. “Without assistance, families face high out-of-pocket costs. The tangible support provided by the SCHIP program materially influences the supports a family receives.”
The findings coincide with moves by Congress to approve a bill that would add more than $30 billion over almost five years to the public health insurance program. If the measure is approved and signed into law by President Obama, coverage would expand to more than 10 million children, including many with disabilities who are now ineligible.
However, what isn’t clear is how the proposed SCHIP expansion would affect each state-run health insurance program, Parish said. Local and federal dollars pay for the programs, and states decide how each works, including how much families can earn before their children are ineligible.
Some states are more generous than others, Parish noted. In Tennessee and Arkansas, for example, children are ineligible for state health insurance if their family’s household income exceeds the poverty level or $21,200 for a family of four. In New Jersey, however, a child qualifies as long as their family’s income isn’t more than three- and-a-half times the poverty level or $74,200. In North Carolina, the eligibility rate is 200 percent of the poverty level or about $42,400 for a family of four.
Furthermore, some states spend more local dollars to ensure that a broader group of children are covered.
“The bottom line is we need some form of affordable health insurance for all children, regardless of their disabilities, which would go a long way toward solving these problems,” said Parish.
The study, published this month in the journal “Children and Youth Services Review,” examined data for nearly 39,000 children from the 2002 National Survey of Children with Special Health Care Needs.
Parish said there is an even greater need to improve access to services for children with disabilities because many of their families already face severe financial hardships. She released a study late last year that found that families across all income levels who are raising disabled children are significantly more challenged by food, housing and health issues compared to families without disabled children.
Parish added that families in states with more generous subsidies and eligibility requirements are more likely to have better access to a professional care coordinator – a vital resource, she said, for finding needed services, providing resource referrals and advocating for children with disabilities.
“This care coordinator is really seen as the linchpin to whether a child gets everything he or she needs,” she said.
SCHIP, which was created in 1997, covers about six million children whose families cannot afford private insurance but earn too much to qualify for Medicaid. In 2007, Congress passed bipartisan bills that would have expanded the program’s funding by $35 billion over five years, but President Bush vetoed the legislation twice.
Study co-authors are Roderick Rose, a research associate at the UNC School of Social Work; Megan Andrews, clinical case manager at Raleigh’s WakeMed Rehab; and Paul Shattuck, Ph.D, an assistant professor at the George Warren Brown School of Social Work at Washington University in St. Louis, Mo.

Update

2009-01-22T14:34:00.000-08:00

I broke down and made an appointment tomorrow after my friend mentioned that I could have rheumatoid arthritis. I made the mistake and read about it on the web and cried all afternoon. I pray this is not what it is I am suffering from... it awful, it can't be... it only gets worse... I have to have my arms and hands to hold my daughter!

Oh Only God knows... He has a plan... I just don't like the un-known nor the looks of things right now. A sweet friend came over to help with the dishes today and even took out my trash... Oye its all so humbling to have someone help... "ITS NOT RIGHT" I want to scream out... I am the one that LOVES to help others but I am so weak right now!!!

I have to humble myself even more as my mom and her dear friend are flying out tomorrow to help me this weekend. I am so grateful, but told my mom that I can't clean before she gets here and I am so embarrassed! "That is why we are coming, sweety to help you"!

I think I need prayer more for swallowing my pride than I do this awful pain I am experiencing!

Ok I have to stop now, my fingers are hurting... thank you all for your prayers!

What is going on with me?

2009-01-22T06:44:00.001-08:00

I have another prayer request. As of late, between my shoulder blades, my wrists, elbows, knees, and ankles are all in serious pain. I don't have any idea how this has happened, but I can barely make it up or down the stairs without sever pain, and trying to lift Abby with my wrists and sit with her bending my knees just about makes me gasp. I keep hoping that whatever this is will get better by the next day, today I woke up with absolutely no relief and my hands are swollen and some fingers are numb, Advil does nothing.

I have no nursing until Tuesday next week and I am a bit paranoid as to how I am going to take care of Abby with all the lifting that is required. Otherwise I feel fine, no fever, no sickness, so I am stumped as to why I am experiencing this! No I have not seen a doctor, they never know what is going on and just take up your time and money. I know the best physician there is and just ask that you join me in prayer.

Sorry I have not been posting much, I am tired and this pain is taking it's toll on me. Nothing has changed with the insurance paying for her nursing, so she is not going any longer to school nor is she getting her much needed therapies either.

thank you for your prayers, I am so thankful to have prayer warriors out there requesting on my behalf.

WHY DO WE HAVE TO FIGHT EVERYTIME!

2009-01-16T14:05:00.000-08:00

Oh what an awful day this has turned out to be! Shortly after I posted about Abby's seizures, I got a call from our nursing company, PSA saying that they got a call from our insurance company case manager who said they are no longer going to be paying for nursing! He said that Abby is not qualified due to she is going to school, and her seizures are better. That's it, just like that, check this ones done... DENIED!

Why is it that when a child has a NEED the insurance companies make you fight for it? Its not like I'm asking for a horse so she can ride around for pleasure.

These items are NEEDED to aid in making their lives better, these items are NEEDED in order for them to survive, these items are NEEDED so they can live!

My insurance company tells me that they are removing nursing so Abby's monies can be spread out and not used up so fast! So what happens when a MAJOR surgery comes up, do they not pay for it because they feel the monies should remain spread out? How can they dictate this? How is nursing any less of importance than a surgery or equipment or supplies?

In the life of a disabled child these are all extremely important!

Oh I feel like I have just been raked over the coals... I'm tired, tired of fighting... why must the ones that need it the most shed blood and tears fighting for it. I am my daughter advocate and I will fight until the very end for her... I won't give up, I won't!

Prayers Please!

2009-01-16T08:10:00.000-08:00

Hey just a quick note to all,

Abby's seizures have gone from 0-2 a day @ 1-2 sec long back to 2-4 a day @ 5-10 sec long! It seems that when I am with her I see more than the nurses do. I truly believe that they watch her, but am perplexed as to why I see more than the 1 a day they see.

Would you join me in prayer? My request is that the seizures go away all together! Now that they are getting to be more surgery is haunting me and is beginning to weigh heavy on my heart. :O(

Thank you all for visiting our site, being faithful to return to check in on us and especially praying for Abb's... you bring me such comfort and peace!

THERE WILL BE A DAY!

2009-01-15T12:07:00.000-08:00

Just heard this song for the 1st time today and it was so soothing to my soul! Push "play" below this post to hear the song as you read along with the lyrics or just close your eyes and drink it in!
I pray it touches you like it did me!
Oh how I long for heaven!

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth
That we will enter in this rest with wonders a new
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more,
we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel you’re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace He brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more,
we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always

I cant wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away
the sorrow that I’ve faced
Oh to touch the scars that rescued me from a life
of shame and misery this is why, this is why I sing

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more,
we’ll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more,
we’ll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day He will wipe away the tears, He will wipe away the tears,
He will wipe away the tears
Cause there will be a day...

Jeremy Camp

My Precious Princessessa

2009-01-14T23:58:00.000-08:00

Old photos how they tug at your heart! Princessessa Schmadosie at 3 months

Tenant ~vs~ Master

2009-01-13T08:21:00.001-08:00

Lately Sunday's have been a great struggle for me. I think the evil forces at work are on overtime and then some! This is the ONLY day of the week that I could sleep in until 3! When I FORCE myself to get up, I'm extra lethargic and drag my feet, but oye how awake and sharp my mind is as it quickly begins working on every possible excuse to not go! More often than not, I fall back on these four;

1. What am I going to benefit from it? I'll I do is push Abby in her stroller the whole time "outside" the sanctuary to keep her from getting fussy. Can't participate, so why go?

2. This winter weather is too cold to take her out in and I don't want to go through all the preparation it takes just to get her out!

3. I'm fat and don't have anything to wear and I don't want to make the effort to get up there and do the dreaded work on myself to make me presentable!

4. Once I am there I feel awkward, no one knows what to say to me, no one knows my struggle, look at all these PERFECT little ones running circles around my daughter... I don't want to deal with it!

I can say that no matter how much I fight it... once I'm there... I am always glad I we went. These excuses really are just that, excuses!

1. Lately, there has been offers to push Abby so I CAN sit with my husband and partake in worship and the service. This also allows other to serve and have time with her and maybe see a fraction of what I do and release me from this excuse.

2. The weather, granted it is sometimes really bad, but honestly I should not allow my environment to sway where I know in my heart I need to be. The preparation... All I have to do is go that extra mile & prepare the night before, pac the car and then the mornings are not that big of a hurdle! I've done it before I just need to persevere each Saturday night! Funny, I can remember to take the trash out the night before in the freezing cold and that's just trash! Why can't I pack my car the night before to help so I can spend time with God!

3. Seriously, I've just lost the desire to attempt to spent time on me. Not sure if this will ever come back, but again this should not be stone on the scale that makes my decision to spend time with God.

4. In order to over come an obstacle, one must face it. My trails almost 4 years old, this emotion has come and gone. I don't know why God allows it to come back with a vengeance, but He does. He sees something in my heart that needs adjusting and this sting (if dealt with) seems to chisel away at its hardened outer shell. I truly am happy for all these moms and their perfect kids, (can you feel the sarcasm) no, really I am just sometimes it really hurts... God's allowing it, so I need to grab a hold of this pain instead of pushing it aside and deal with it and what better place than church? With every sting I just need to ask God to transform it into joy... pray for me on this one, I really need it.

So all this to get to my point of the message that I heard on Sunday. Our pastor was teaching of being a "tenant" and not a "master" in our lives. We all try to control everything, its human nature, and the world thrusts in our face that we are the masters of our lives, our fate... think it, believe it and its yours! How how wrong this is! Life actually screams out that there is a God! We know we can't do it, I need a Savior, I need a loving Father! To think that I would have complete control... I'm a mess right now, this is not control, its utter chaos!

When we try and take over, become masters of our lives, things go array! My life is not my own, I was created with one purpose, to glorify God... in my heart, my thoughts, my actions and with everything that He has blessed me with! No wonder I sit on my rock in my own defeat (read 2 posts below) because I have been trying to be master in my life, my home, with my children and everything else!

On a simpler scale its like trying to watch my oldest son who's 8 be master of his life. I know he will make multiple mistakes & bad choices... this can only lead to his destruction if I allowed it. I am his mother, he was given to me, Jacob can not change this so I will raise him up right with God leading me. This will entail him having guidelines, consequences, training to make the right choice, asking him to do things that are not enjoyable, but once learned will become a saving grace to him.

Same with me or you! God is our father, He has us on a training course now and with His leading we will be raised up to reflect Him. This will entail us having guidelines, consequences, training us to make the right choices, asking us to do things that are not enjoyable, but once learned will become our saving grace!

Just like the Master that purchased his field and hired tenants to care for it while he was gone. Some tenants rise up and want to become masters (me) and others stay the course have joy in their tenant name sake only to please the Master when He returns.

This is where I want to be... I thank God for His patience, long suffering and Grace towards me and my desire to master! I hope that if you have been with with me on that rock of defeat that you too can make that choice to crawl off, let go of being master of your life and resume tennantship of your life!

You are all so special to me, I want to thank you for your words of encouragement and prayers for me during this time. It's good that I went through this, I see the error of my ways and God has shown me immense love through you all!

All Glory To Him!

Brotherly Love

2009-01-12T09:16:00.000-08:00

People have always asked how Jacob & Joey respond to Abby. I never had the perfect reply that merited the infamous "Awhhh". I think after many attempts of trying and not getting responses they have just retreated to the fact that she does not do much.

I am extremely happy to report that as of late, I will see this sweet devotion of love from both of them! A lot of the time the boys will hang out in her room playing games and tossing her stuffed animals and the squeal's of joy just warm my heart!

If someone would have told me a month after she were born that I would one day see and hear them all playing together... I would have never believed it.

Another MIRACLE!

A HEART THAT LONG'S

2009-01-10T13:04:00.000-08:00

Doing dishes this morning I looked over to see Daisy May at the window longing to go outside... to be free to roam the neighborhood! Oh so silly, but I really knew how she felt.

This photo captures where I am at mentally, physically and spiritually. I don't like this feeling... waiting for something to happen...good of course, not bad. Putting my hope in a possible move to somewhere other than brown, boring, cold Colorado. Wanting to loose these extra pounds that have moved in since Abby's arrival and invited unwanted permanent guests! Obtaining a fleeting moment of motivation only to have it disappear just as quick as it came. No desire to read, pray or spend time with my Father. Feeling house bound because of my daughter (only few readers will get this). Not wanting to talk to anyone but only those that have walked in my shoes... Feel my heart harden, break and feel crushed when I see other mothers holding their child that is growing as they should be whether older or younger and passing my sweet angel developmentally... STING!!!!

I'm just white and sometimes wanting nothing more than to just fade away... to heaven... Oh how I long for perfection in heaven with my savior.

These dry seasons I am all to familiar with and more than not, it is here that I reside, struggling to pull myself up the boot straps just to keep trekking through this barren desert. I know He allows us to partake in the desert to see how we stand on our own. Why can't I be strong all the time when entering this land, seize the opportunity in this season and show Him that I can do this. I hate that I fall back and slump on a rock, look around and just give into my defeat! I just wish I knew where stood in my life, what exactly my purpose is here and I wish that I felt confident in how I am to achieve it. I want to yell out to God that my life struggles with Abby are enough, can't He make everything else just flow?

I know that we are to be content with our circumstances in all things, that we should seek Christ daily on our knees, lean on Him for our strength...
yadda, yadda, yadda!
It's o.k. really, I'm o.k.

I'm just a mom with "disabled-child-blues" who's caught in a spiral of "a-child-of-God-trials", who's being completely transparent as she voices her heart into this vast space...

A Long Awaited Dream

2009-01-09T09:41:00.001-08:00

Most parents see and expect their child to fall asleep as they soothe themselves sucking on their thumb. This is only been a flicker of hope for me and my sweetness. This timeless photo is testament to my dream coming true! Thank you Jesus for this little miracle!

Kids say the funniest things!

2009-01-05T19:31:00.000-08:00

So I made a few huge mistakes this morning... allow me to share...

1st Mistake: I truly believed my kids didn't start school until the 6th. Great, one more day of vacation for them and we get to spend a little more quality time together! This was all fine and dandy until the phone rings at 10:30 am and I hear a pre-recorded voice from the DCSD that Jacob and Joseph have been marked absent today, and that I need to call the school to confirm why. OPS!!! Well no ones perfect right!?!

2nd Mistake: Letting them sleep in until 11:00am! Well my excuse was that this was the 1st day in 5 that I have finally had nursing and I've already messed up with school so I'm gonna blog and I need peace in order to do so, so lettem sleep!

3rd Mistake: Moving Joey into Jacobs room. They have been hounding me that they want to be in the same room, so I obliged. We worked together as a team to get the job done, we had a good time... lots of teachable moments!

Here is where the funny part comes in...

About 2 hours after they are suposto be asleep, my youngest son, Joey comes down and says very sardonically;

Joey: "Mom, I can't sleep!"

Me: "Why buddy?"

Joey: "For 3 reasons!"

Me: "O.k. and those would be..."

Joey: "Well, ONE Jacobs bottom is in my face, TWO I don't like it and THREE (said with a furrowed brow) It STINKS!"

Ok, I am not sure the stinky bottom was my fault, but letting them sleep in toooooo long and making em go to bed way too early in new sleeping conditions... I take the blame for that!

Well, hopefully these new sleeping arrangements will pan out and the stinky bottom is a quick fix... I really don't feel like moving Joey back into my new guest room!

Sheer Joy

2009-01-05T14:26:00.000-08:00

I can not express the sheer joy one feels when the opportunity to meet mom's that we come in contact with because of our sweet children and this wonderful therapy called the blogging world!

I have had yet another blessed opportunity to meet Alex's Mommy, Jessica and what fun it was! It felt like we had always known one another, very relaxing... right at home! We could get right down to the nitty-gritty of our trials without reservation and much acceptance on both ends. What a firecracker she is, so sweet and transparent with a great sense of humor and a heart as big as the ocean!

I have to add that it was a extreme honor to meet her extended family, hear stories of Paw Pa and witness the insurmountable love her family has for him! What a incredible family, Jess you are truly blessed!

I miss you and can not wait for our next adventure! Until then, keep pointing them toes baby!

Seriously, hehe... I felt right at home and here is the perfect photo to reveal it!

How's come I can't look this cute in the am!

2009-01-02T10:29:00.000-08:00

Can't get much more squishy-cute than this!

Wishing You A Blessed New Year!

2008-12-31T23:54:00.001-08:00

It's 1:07 am and all are peacefully asleep. I, the only one who could steel awake only to hold onto the sweet moments of watching my little ones pass from one year to the next as they lay still deep in dream land. Its the last thing I did in 2008 and the first in 2009 blessing my sweet babies with a kiss! This echo still holds my heart... "Goodnight Mommy, Happy New Year and I love you!" The last words from my boys hearts in 2008... and my baby girl.. many giggles and smiles as she went down for beddy-by-time... oh, and most of all having my sweet husband safely home and by my side! What a way to end my year!

I know I am sentimental when it comes to lasts and 1st each time this year, but it's something I will always remember and something I will never hear or do again in that year. I am so thankful for this past year... and count each coming day a blessing.

They go by so quickly, don't they. I am reminded of many of my conversations with my little ones, things I could of done better, things I regret and moments I hold dear. Each year brings a new beginning, with new hopes and promises... The only one I wish to cling too is helping my little ones see the joy in knowing Christ... a challenge for me in my daily walk, but worth every moment through joy, laughter, pain, struggle and triumph!

May this year bring joy to your hearts and love to your soul!

"Where'd I Go....?"

2008-12-31T09:13:00.000-08:00

I've had a few e-mails and comments about me being "absent" from the blogging world, so sorry I admit I have been!

With the holidays, nursing being scarce, Matt out of state and any free time going towards working on my book I don't have too much time for blogging.

I even have to make this short as we are leaving to finally pick up our very missed Daddy from the airport!

I promise as things get back to the "norm" for me, I look forward to getting back into the swing of things.

I do think of you all often, please know this!

We'll chat soon, promise... promise!

My 1st Taste of Apples!

2008-12-23T20:03:00.000-08:00

Lets face it, I say to myself... My Schmabadoosie loves food! I know this because I see the joy in her face as she gets a taste here and there! Her little pudgy legs and arms start up and that smile, ohhh that smile its so contagious!

I love seeing her smile as I say, "Some... Some, Abby Grace? The smile emerges and her little sweet cupid lips start in motion and she says, "galla, galla,galla"!

So... I don't care what the doc's say, they are all just "practicing medicine" anyway! Shoot, I'm living it and figure we'd get some cute little jars and some fun spoons and we'll "practice tasting" all she wants! I think she'll never strengthen that swallowing muscle if she doesn't eat right??? My thoughts too!

So here are some fun photos of her 1st taste of apples!

Christmas FUN!

2008-12-23T19:33:00.000-08:00

Great News!

2008-12-17T14:41:00.000-08:00

I spoke with with Dr. Devinskie and shared my hesitation of Abigail's upcoming surgery. She is seizing only 1-2 times a day and only for about 1-2 seconds and that's it!!! He agreed with me that we should put the surgery on the back burner for now since she is doing so well. We are keeping her meds the same and hopes that her seizures will stop altogether!

As soon as I hung the phone up I felt as though a baby grand piano was lifted off my back!!!! Whew, I can breathe now and am so happy that we are not having to plan for this event!

I want to thank all that have purposefully prayed for Abigail! I can not thank you enough and hope you feel blessed that you played an integral part in this HUGE blessing!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

Oldy but Goody, "Words Better Left Unspoken"

2008-12-09T12:35:00.000-08:00

I was going back and reading some of my old posts and came across this one and thought I would re-post it again. If you have already read it, sorry for the re-occurrence, but if not... I pray that it speaks to your heart.

I want to be completely transparent and honest for those who want nothing more than to “relate” or “pass along encouraging words” so that you may peek inside this world, if not for just but a moment and hopefully see the impact your words of encouragement may have on a soul that is broken & tired.

Please know that it is with a sincere and fragile heart that I broach this topic as I try and share with you perspective from a different world. These words, “a different world” I choose to use because they best sum up where heavy laden trial goers feel they are when enduring such times. I’d like to tell a short story to provide a baseline for where I am going with all this.

Imagine just for a moment, Little Bo Peep walking into Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary with bible in hand desiring nothing more than to share the gospel and encouraging words with lost souls behind bars. She is given a visitors badge and walked down heavily secured halls until she reaches a room where behind a table sits a man with wrists and ankles bound in chains. His sleeves are rolled up revealing partial tattoos expressing pride and defiance. His face is aged and scared telling stories of a life battled with explosive anger, fear, regret, denial and depression. His eyes slant with jousting curiosity as he look’s upon Little Bo Peep with her bible in hand. He thinks to himself, “What in the world is she doing here?” Little Bo Peep’s heart is so tender and sweet and looks at this man with a deep desire to encourage with scripture and say comforting words like; “I understand what you must be going through”, “God never gives us more than we can handle”, “At least you have shelter and food.” She then opens her bible to offer scripture in hopes of providing him hope while he sits in utter despair. Instead of feeling comfort, he is angered as his brow furrows and his mouth tightens up. “How can this girl say she understands what I have and am going through? She has not walked down the road I have, nor lived a day, or even a minute for that matter in my shoes!” While she continues to read scripture and share stories of similar situations she has heard of or knows from a distant relative, he sits and grows in irritation and bewilderment as to why she continues. When she has finished she smiles sweetly, pats him on the shoulder and says she is praying for him and walks away. He is left feeling more frustration and thinking how blind she must be to think that she has made any impact on his life.

I hope that this short illustration offers an insightful perspective. Tired and broken hearts know the intent of kindness as you reach out to them. As mentioned in the illustration, please try and understand that sharing a similar sad story is not a source of encouragement to us nor is it uplifting! Cliché’s like, “God never gives us more than we can handle”... This Is Not Biblical! It is quite the contrary actually! God does allow for the un-thinkable, the un-do-able and the un-wanted all at the same time! All the while He stretches you so thin, you feel as though are no more as you hang on by your fingernails and feel as though you are drowning! Then, when you call upon Him... sometimes He is silent and you experience the depths of despair and at the same time know that He has not abandon nor forsaken us!

It is during these fluxes in the trial that we cling to the safety of our home. We pull the blinds down, turn off the ringers and muffle the dog and kids as a knock sounds at the front door. It is here that we reach out only to those we know have walked or are walking in the midst of a storm. Why, a common bond and nothing more. Not exact in trial, as God has given us each our own unique hand picked one, but a common bond does exists and provides comfort in only the way a suffering saint can offer. Crying is easier with another who suffers, allowing ourselves to laugh with another who suffers is easier because we know that it is not a sign of dismissing our trial nor does it say that we are all better now, but that it is a release, for but a moment with one that understands our sometimes demented humor. Confiding in another that suffers also offers a support that can not be described. There are so many emotions, feelings, thoughts and actions that we go through as we try and stay above the water that only a suffering saint once again can truly respond with, “I understand”.

I know your hearts ache for those close to you enduring storms of all kinds, so I wanted to offer a few important points to reflect on to prepare your hearts as you talk with them.

* Words are wonderful, but please remember it is important to understand that you can not fix trials with them. Only God can provide what His child needs for their weary soul. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows”.

* The simple words, “I love you”, “I am praying for you” or “I am so sorry, I know you’re hurting” offer so much more than you could imagine! Proverbs 15:23 “A man finds joy in giving an apt reply – and how good is a timely word!” Ecclesiastes 10:12 "Words from a wise man’s mouth are gracious, but a fool is consumed by his own lips.” Proverbs 16:24 "Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”

* To Love a broken heart through their trial is following Galatians 6:2 “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Notice this verse does not contain a time limit!! Please be sensitive in that all grieve and handle hardships differently. Some bounce back quickly & others are slow to heal! Ask yourself if you can really commit to Galatians 6:2. With a death the 1st year is the hardest on the soul and every holiday makes it that much harder. Can you offer to commit to pray for them for a year? Remember to send a note in the mail, these are so uplifting and usually come at just the right time!

I feel as though I could go on and on, but do not want to overwhelm. It is my heart to give a brief insight into “a different world” of the suffering soul. I pray I have not offended any readers... this was not the purpose of this post. I also pray that if you are on the outside looking in, that this would be received well. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

"I wanna be a little burned morsel!"

2008-12-08T18:25:00.000-08:00

This morning I had the pleasure of having breakfast with my husband and what a blessed treat it was! It was so nice to have a meal prepared for me as I melted into the booth with no worries of kids or what miss Abbys was fussing over. I sipped hot coffee, talked with a handsome adult and relaxed! Praise God for school & nursing!

I had ordered a wonderful breakfast that came with red potato's as a side dish. When my food arrived, the potato's looked so good I immediately dove in. My favorite part was the flavorful little burned morsels and the potato wedges that were crispy! Oh the flavor was so good! I have a point here, really! As I took my 5th bite this thought came to mind, "I want to be a little burned morsel!"

Just think... if you are like most Americans and I'm 99% sure you are, we all love the french fry that is the crispiest, the crispy skin off the turkey or chicken, the little morsels on the bottom of the skillet after cooking dishes, nuts that have been toasted, the marshmallow that's burned and crispy bacon!

These parts, the "little burned morsels" are the most flavorful and have a walloping punch of flavor! How'd they get this way... by sitting longer in the oven... being closer to heat, sitting over a hot flame. Are ya following me yet? No... well keep reading.

I thought of my on going trial with Abb's and all that God has and continues to teach me through them... and how each and every "little" & "big" trial with her has put me near the hot flame, close to the heat and "in the oven" so to speak where God can work on my heart and create in me the aroma of Christ i.e.; the little burned flavorful morsel!

I know some of you are most likely thinking I've gone off the deep end, really I haven't, I just thought... "Hey, I want to be that flavorful for Christ. I want to have an aroma about me that is pleasing to Him and that may bless others! So, in order to have this, I've got to be willing to remain close to the fire... having a teachable spirit, no matter the cost."

For those of us that have a child with disabilities or have lost little ones, our trials... these on going journeys, they are gifts from God. They allow us to draw near and more often than not remain in the fire where God draws near and works in our hearts... perfecting us for our ultimate destination.

Funny how God taught me a valuable lesson through a little burned morsels at breakfast this morning! I'm so glad He did and hope and pray that all reading will be reminded that tough times create seasonable times for our souls. We just have to be willing and open to be taught!

"You know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:3-4

The Glow of Christmas!

2008-12-03T10:43:00.000-08:00

So here's a little snippet of my tree to share with all. It has been up since October 1st, YES... that's not a typo, it has truly been up since October 1st! What can I say, but that I love Christmas and want to dream & drink it in longer than three weeks or a month for that matter! All my ornaments are the old fashion glass kind and it has taken me (with the help of family) about four years to collect what I have now. My tree is in the corner as I still don't have enough to go completely around just yet, but I'm getting there! I allow myself to purchase at least 3-5 a year as they are so expensive!

This type of tree reminds me of my grandma who is now passed on. Her tree was perfection each year laden with the original tinsel strategically placed on each bow... oh it looked like something out of a magazine with glass ornaments rich with striking colors and colored lights! If Hansel and Grettel had a tree it would look just like hers!

I love her so, she has made such an impact on my life! She was a living, breathing, walking example of the Proverbs 31 woman! So here's to you grandma, I dedicate this colorful beauty to you this year, I love you and can't wait to see you again face to face!

Do you have your tree up? If so, how do you like to decorate it? Do you think I am crazy? That's a loaded question! Oh well, Merry Christmas Early!!!!!

Gone So Soon!

2008-12-02T10:42:00.000-08:00

Hey all I hope your Thanksgiving was a blessing! Ours was and now it is soooo quiet as family has left, the kids are back in school and the only sound I hear is the heater humming. When you don't have family living near you the time spent with this flys by too quickly! It like Thanksgiving dinner... take hours to prepare, but once its on the table its over in 20 min!

My sweet love is gone for the week so I am left alone with the little ones to tend this week and my upper back and neck have been acting up... Its always something leaving me yearning for that perfection in heaven!

So now that all is quiet, I have turned into a cleaning machine with the urge to purge... not sure why, just want less clutter! Spring cleaning comes for me in December too, I guess with the snow arriving and having to hunker down for the winter I don't want to feel closed in at home. I don't know about you, but with Abbs we don't get out in the winter very much. I am hoping the boys will be able to run away to the mountains for some skiing and sledding so at least they can get out, but me and Abbs will be home.

Its overwhelming for me to think of packing up the family and Abbs with all her stuff which equals our family luggage just to run off somewhere and un-pack and do what I do at home without a lot of the convenience. Do you feel this way or is it just me? Sometime I feel guilty about feeling like this, but honestly it bum's me out that we all can't go out in the snow and play! I know, I know, yes I could get her all bundled up and take her out, but walking in the snow/slippery icy spots with a child that relies completely on me and my bad back is not a good combo! Not to mention that she is so sensitive to light and the snow reflecting the sun would be too much even with glasses on. What are your thoughts? Do you get out with your sweet one and if you do what do you do and where do you venture too?

Miss you all, glad to be back and hope to hear from ya!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-25T06:09:00.000-08:00

Hey all just a quick note to say, Happy Thanksgiving! I have been quite busy with family and more to arrive tomorrow. It is so wonderful having them here this past week and one to come! Our house is a buzz with chatter, warmth and new wonderful smells of Grandmas cooking! We don't have any family close to us so this time of year is so special! I pray your time with your families is blessed and that you create wonderful new memories to treasure for the journeys ahead!

Don't think I fell off a cliff because I don't post for a while, I'm just off enjoying my family, but will think of you all and your little precious angels during this special time!

One thing I am thankful for is the blessing of our children, that God has chosen us to be their mothers & fathers and for all the golden nuggets that have been bestowed to us through them, thank you Father for you constant love, mercy and grace as you reveal your character to us through them!

Abigail Update

2008-11-20T11:23:00.000-08:00

Hi all, just a quick update!

Medicine

Abbs is now back on Sabril and a higher dose of Zonagram. We will continue this for a week and then decrease the Sabril and increase once again the Zonagram. Dr. Devinsky will be weening Abbs off the Sabril all together soon since it no longer is working as it was. Abby has been very grouchy and sleepy (side effects) but I am hoping that she climbs outta it.

Nursing

We have temporary nursing for the next two weeks. I do have a nurse that is going to come for 3-4 days a week, but this won't take place for a couple of week or even until January 09. Still I am thankful, but at the same time not placing all my hope as most of the time things happen and don't go as ya would like. So all and all I am happy and will take one day at a time.

Seizures

She has not had another episode like the last two, thank the Lord! Her seizures seem to be decreasing and are of much shorter duration, so THANK YOU LORD!

Surgery

As it goes, the surgery has been postponed until either Feb, Mar or Apr of 09. I spoke with the surgeon and this surgery is indeed a three part process and I will have to be gone for at least 5 weeks straight. I am glad that it is later than sooner! Not in a rush to an operating table!

My Back

I was praying the other day and just mulling over faith and what it looks like for us today. In the Bible we read of the blind beggar in Luke 18 that heard Jesus was coming. He heard the heightened excitement of the crowd and asked what was going on. They told him that Jesus of Nazareth was passing by. The beggar called out, "Son of David, have mercy on me!" The crowd rebuked him and he shouted all the more, "Son of David, have mercy on me!" Jesus stopped and ordered for this man to be brought to Him. When the beggar came near, Jesus asked him, "What do you want me to do for you?" The beggar responds, "Lord, I want to see." Jesus said to him, "Receive your sight; your faith has healed you."

I love this because...

1. It shows immediate faith in Jesus, there is no doubt here, just sheer faith!

2. It bears witness to persistence! Even after he was rebuked and told to be quiet he shouted even louder!

3. The beggar came to Jesus and was asked what he wanted.

4. His faith was what healed him! ~ His blind faith

Then I think of the mustard seed and how small this is and the Bible tells us in Matthew 17:20 that if we have faith as small as a mustard seed we could move mountains! This beggars faith maybe small as a mustard seed was immediate, persistent and was bequeathed before the Lord and it healed him!

So I am trying to put this all together thinking of my back and praying that the Lord would remove this constant pain, which has really hindered me. I can honestly say that for the last couple of days, my lower back pain is GONE! Lately, I have falling off a ladder, ran down switch backs on a big mountain and have been maintaing the care that Abby needs! (Oh, incase your wondering, I was painting when I fell off the ladder and coming back from a photo shoot trying to hurry and get home to grab Abb's in time for her hippotherapy appointment) I am soar in my upper back.... but my lower has never felt better! I am so thankful and pray that I am reminded time and time again that faith in Jesus no matter how small is immediate and persistent! Does not mean that the Lord will always answer my request, but when He does its wonderful!

Thanks for all your continued prayers and support!

God working in the midst of my crazy weekend!

2008-11-18T07:34:00.000-08:00

This weekend brought about a very scary circumstance in which Abby had to physically pay in regards to her seizures. Last Thursday I called NY to discuss her medication and if we needed to decrease or increase them, we were 4 days from running out of the Sabril so I needed to call in and order it that day! Dr. Devinsky was not available, so I spoke to his his nurse and she told me he wanted to increase the Zonagram and keep her Sabril dose the same. She offered to call in the order for me if I would like her too... I thought this very kind and so trusted that she would follow through. There in lies root of Abby's suffering! I think we as humans would like to be able to trust people and take them at their word, that they have good intentions, but they are human and mistakes happen... So Friday rolls around and I have two Sabril packets left which come that evening, I would have no more! In the afternoon I started to get a little worried that I was not hearing from our pediatricians office where the it was to be shipped, so I called and they had not received anything. I immediately called the pharmacy in NY and PERFECT timing, everyone had left 5-10 min. earlier! The gal who answered the phone, replied, "No, I can't do that!" when asked if she could look on the computer to see when it was shipped, THEN she HUNG up on me!!! What???? So let me place the setting that this was all happening in. My sweet friend, Corie had just dropped off her little ones for the weekend so the house was a buzz and our bible study group was due to show in an hour and I had yet to get me and my house in order. So, after a moment or two of freaking out, Corie helped me breathe as she made dinner for our kids, while I called the on call Doctor at NYU and left a message for him to call back. Then I called my pediatrician again pleading that someone help me!!! The clock is ticking away, I was on what seemed an eternity hold, pacing back and forth, heart palpitating waiting & FINALLY, after listing to Indian flute music my pediatricians nurse picked up my call and proceeded to take a MESSAGE with her M-O-L-A-S-S-E-S, gum smacking... "it's FRIDAY guys and gals and I want to go home" attitude... Oye, I was so frustrated and lets just say my tongue was was too! After that debacle of a call, Dr. Silvers the on-call doc in NY called & I finally got to speak with someone who had compassion for the reality of my situation! Unfortunately, there was nothing he could do, except increase the dose of the Zonagram in hopes that it would take the place of the missing Sabril.

Well Abbs had two massive seizures this weekend along with all the other little ones that she normally has. Twice she has screamed out in sheer pain... Her eyes stay closed for 10-12 min. as she cries inconsolably for about 5-8 min and then she instantly falls asleep for about 10-15 min. waking up to her happy self. I don't even know how to share how emotionally hard this was to watch, feeling helpless!

Yesterday I fought on the phone all day with the pharmacy and nurses as NO ONE WANTED TO TAKE OWNERSHIP OF THIS GREAT ERROR! Everyone was pointing fingers at the other and ABBY was the one that paid greatly for this mistake! I found that on the 11th the Sabril was never ordered, via the pharmacy, they also told me that I should have done a follow-up call, I retorted quickly, "I did and was rudely hung-up on!!!" I was also told by the pharmacy in the same conversation a few min. later that they did get a script faxed, but the nurse that faxed it should have called to verify it verbally and that's why it was never sent! So they were sending it out overnight and guess who got stuck with the overnight express bill! Today I have been on the phone for two hours playing phone tag with Dr. Devinsky and JUST missed his call on my cell, tried to call him back and the office is closed for lunch! UNBELIEVABLE! It's still continuing, I really need to tell him about Abby's seizures and ask what I do next with the meds?!?

Oh where is that warm sand and far off beach when you need it... I know, I know... its FAR OFF!

But, I must say that I have had much time to reflect on this situation, and in looking back I can honestly say that through it all, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she would be fine. I got it... I get it... I grasped completely with 100% assurance that God was/is in control. It was neat to think to myself, "Hey I feel such a peace regarding her, wow thank you Lord for showing me this!" It's so easy to say that when your not walking in a trial, but I love that God revealed to me that I got it while walking deep in this trial... (Faith in God, not faith in faith!)

I also got that He was/is purging my still un-tamed character in dealing with people within the trial. Yeah, that ones ganna take a little more work... Oh the UPS truck just arrived and I just got my Sabril, Yeah!

My Shmabadoozie, she is fine, I pray that these two seizures didn't do any further damage! If ya think of it, please pray for all this to smooth out as I work on nailing down Dr. Devinsky and her medication! Maybe there is a hidden blessing yet to be revealed in this somewhere.. His providence is yet to un-fold!

I love how the Lord works, don't you.... Ya have to walk in the fire to see Him resinate!

Psalm 34:8
"O taste and see that the LORD is good; How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!"

There Are Dark Providences, Part II

2008-11-16T19:21:00.001-08:00

THERE ARE DARK PROVIDENCES, Part II

It is the presence of the dark providences in the universe and in our lives that go a long way to make up what John Flavel called 'the mystery of providence'. Thomas Boston addressed himself to the same problem in a series of sermons on Ecclesiastes 7:13: 'Consider the work of God: for who can make that straight which He has made crooked'. They were published after his death under the title The Crook in the Lot.

When adversity comes into our lives, we tend to react in one of two ways. We may say that it is from a source other than God and He has no power to stop it; or we may say it is an evidence of God's anger against us. Either way we are guilty of casting aspersions on the character of our Father and consequently of perverting our attitude to Him. 'A just (right) view of afflicting incidents', says Boston in the opening sentence of his work, 'is altogether necessary to a Christian deportment under them'. He continues: 'That view is to be obtained only by faith, not by sense; for it is the light of the Word alone that represents them justly, discerning in them the work of God, and consequently designs becoming the Divine perfections'.

The Christian, although he is justified, remains a sinner in the midst of a fallen world. He is subject to 'all the ills that flesh is heir to'. Some of the consequences of his past sins affect his life. He is subject to the discipline of his Heavenly Father. Satan concentrates his attack on him. the world under the control of the evil one is hostile to him. His suffering are compounded because he is a Christian. 'In the world', our Lord warned his disciples, 'you will have tribulation' (John 16:33).

The Bible leaves us in no doubt that sufferings is a normal part of the true Christian life. Hebrews chapter 11 portrays the suffering witnesses of the Old Testament. The New Testament presents us with our great Example who was 'made perfect through sufferings' (Hebrews 2:10), and also with the many followers who 'became partakers' in His sufferings (1 Peter 4:13). The whole emphasis in the teaching of the early church was on 'rejoicing in the midst of sufferings.' It is 'through much tribulation' that we enter the kingdom (Acts 14:22).

The Westminster Confession of Faith contains in its chapter on Providence this judiciously-worded paragraph on God's dealings with His own children:

The most wise, righteous and gracious God, does often times leave for a season His own children to manifold temptations, and the corruption of their own hearts, to chastise them for their former sins, or to discover unto them the hidden strength of corruption and deceitfulness of their own hearts, that they may be humbled; and to raise them to a more close and constant dependence for their support upon Himself, and to make them more watchful against all future occasions of sin, and for sundry other just and holy ends.

Sadly such teaching seems far removed from the outlook that prevails in large parts of the Church today. The impression is given that the purpose of the Christian life is enjoyment. Everything that stands in the way of that is to be eliminated. People are looking for a problem-free Christianity. The health, wealth and success gospel is having a field day. Purveyors of such views becomes apparent when suffering, sorrow of disappointment comes. Then it becomes clear what we need a faith that is grounded in God's Word.

There is a Providence, Part I

2008-11-13T14:04:00.000-08:00

For the next couple of posts I am going to be sharing one of my favorite books. Because most of us are walking through trials... no matter how small or big, we all need encouragement. This book, "Behind A Frowning Providence" by John J. Murray, has been of great help to me in the darkest of storms and has been the steadfast reminder as to their purpose.

My goal in doing this is to open up discussion with everyone that stops by to visit. I was hoping for this to be kind of a topic of conversation for us all as we share our input, insights and experience in regards to each part.

INTRODUCTION

"One of the best known hymns is William Cowper's 'God moves in a mysterious way, His wonders to preform'. Cowper was subject to melancholy and knew more about the darker side of Christian experience than the brighter. It was out of heart-felt experience that he composed his hymn and presented in it so many precious gems of truth as the often quoted lines,

Behind a frowning providence

He hides a smiling face.

What is met by a 'frowning providence'? Is this something that we are to expect in the Christina life? If so, how do we cope with it? Like you, I have sought answers to these questions.

THERE IS A PROVIDENCE, Part I

Providence is an old fashioned word and has a strange ring to modern ears. Yet when we break it down into its parts the meaning becomes clear. It comes from the Latin video 'to see' and pro 'before', meaning 'to see beforehand'. In our lives we plan beforehand but we do not see what is going to happen. God has planned everything for His creation and because He is the sovereign God everything will come to pass as he purposed. Providence is that marvellous working of God by which all the events and happenings in His universe accomplish the purpose He has in mind.

The Scriptural doctrine that God 'works all things according to the counsel of His will' is clearly set our in the Westminster Confession of Faith's definition of God's Eternal Decree:

God from all eternity did, by the most wise and holy counsel of His own will, freely and unchangeably ordain whatsoever comes to pass: yet so, as thereby neither is God the author of sin, nor is violence offered to the will of the creatures, nor is the liberty or contingency of second causes taken away, but rather established (Chap III, i).

The Shorter Catechism asks the question: "How does God execute His decrees?' and answers 'God executes His decreed in the works of creation and providence' (Q.8). What about redemption? It is included in the work of providence! Is is the supreme work of providence.

In it God sent His Son into this world of the purpose of redeeming a people. He set His love on hell-deserving sinners and chose them in Christ before the foundation of the world. Those He foreknew He predestined that they might be 'conformed to the image of his Son' (Romans 8:29). God has a plan for His Church that stretches from eternity to eternity.

In relation to that grand purpose, 'God has', according to Thomas Boston, 'by an eternal decree, immovable as mountains of brass (Zachariah 6:1), appointed the whole of every one's lot, the crooked parts thereof, as well as the straight.' As Job said in the midst of his suffering: 'He performs the thing that is appointed for me' (Job 23:14). The plan of God extends to every detail in my life. There are several important things that can be said of it:

1. The plan is perfect. Everything that God does is perfect. It may not appear to me at times to be perfect but it is because it will ultimately lead to the greater glory of God.

2. The plan is exhaustive. It includes everything. It is worked out in a situation where everything is under the control of God. It extends to the smallest and most casual things. 'The very hairs of your head are all numbered' (Matthew 10:30).

3. The plan is for my ultimate good. Everyone who loves God has the assurance that 'all things work together for good' (Romans 8:28). If God is for me who can be against me? The opposition does not count. The gracious purpose of God will certainly be accomplished in my life.

4. The plan is secret. God alone knows what is going to happen in advance because He has purposed it all. Every detail is fixed before I was born. God hides it from me until it happens. I discover it day by day as the plan unfolds. This is the unfolding of His secret will for my life.

Although God has only one will we often speak about His secret will and His revealed will. The latter is made known in the Scriptures and is the rule of our duty. The former is made known in His providence and is to be submitted to and observed. This teaching is clearly set out in the words of Thomas Boston:

"Whoever would walk with God must be due observers of the Word and Providence of God for by these in a special manner He manifests Himself to His people. In the one we see what He says' in the other what He does. These are the two books that every student of holiness ought to be much conversant in. They are both written with the one hand and they should both be carefully read by those who would have not only the name of religion but the thing. They should be studied together if we would profit by either for being taken together they give light one to the other; and as it is our duty to read the Word, so also it is our duty to observe the work of God."

These words are taken from a sermon on Psalm 107:43: 'Whoso is wise and will observe these things, even they shall understand the loving kindness of the Lord'. If we are to fulfill the duty of observing 'these things' the qualification required is wisdom but the benefit is that we will understand the loving kindness of the Lord. We know how a human being stands related to us by his or her behavior. If we study God's behaviours towards his children we will see His love... providence has its own language.

We need to observe the different kinds of providences. There are uncommon providences, such as miracles, and there are what might be called common providences, like the refreshing rain. There are great providences, like the crossing of the Red Sea and there are what seem small providences, like a king not being able to sleep at night. There are favourable or smiling providences and there are what appear to be dark, cross or frowning providences.

If, as we believe, a frowning providence comes from the hand of the same Father as a smiling providence how can we reconcile these things? How can we justify the ways of God with us?

To Anonymous

2008-11-09T19:51:00.000-08:00

Anonymous said... November 08, 2008

It is so cruel to put a child through so much. People who do this are selfish. They do this for themselves. You could have aborted the poor little soul would have gone on to something better. How sick it is to do this in the name of religion. How ignorant. Gos (God) does not aprove (approve). (spelling corrections made by Tamara)

I answer to NO ONE except my Father who is by the way... The Lord GOD Almighty! It is sheer IGNORANCE on your part that you cower behind the shadow of an ANONYMOUS title to spout off your venom.

Anonymous: "It is so cruel to put a child through so much."

Tamara's Response: "It is by the SOVEREIGN hand of GOD Himself that I have the sheer blessing of a PERFECT daughter, who has everyday lived life to its fullest with smiles and laughter! By the way she has a Masters Degree in teaching lessons from above to the hearts of thousands!"

Anonymous: "People who do this are selfish."

Tamara's Response: "We chose LIFE not MURDER, I scarcely call this selfish! Living a life for my daughter, laying down my desires in order to care for her day in and day out... honey that is called LOVE, COMPASSION, SACRIFICE AND COMMITMENT! I don't know what kind of dictionary your looking at, but those adjectives aren't found under SELFISH!"

Anonymous: "You could have aborted the poor soul would have gone on to something better."

Tamara's Response: "Again we chose LIFE, a choice I'm pretty sure you don't quite get! GOD is not a GOD of MISTAKES, everything CREATED is by HIS hand (and I am sure this will blow you away) her life... my daughter... was planned before the foundations of the earth... just as yours was! Choosing to take that life (hers or yours) created by the CREATOR Himself would be MURDER! From conception on, in or out of the womb, young or old, strong or weak, no matter how you twist it, slice it, manipulate it or contort it is called MURDER."

You also mentioned, "The POOR SOUL" I am sorry I have to STRONGLY DISAGREE, Abigail is anything but POOR! She is a daughter of the KING OF KINGS, a princess who has more riches stored up for her than you can wrap that scrappy little mind of yours around! I'd also like to think she is rich here on earth because she has a father and mother that lover her with all their heart... not to toot my own horn! Oh what the heck, TOOT... TOOT... TOOT... TOOT!"

Anonymous said: "How sick this is to do this in the name of religion."

Tamara Says: "Wow, now there's a intelligent statement, good thing you wore your peppermint shoes when you said that! See, if you'd of took the time to READ my blog from start to end you would of known that it's not "in the name of religion" that I do anything! My God and I, we have a...

RELATIONSHIP |riˈlā sh ənˌ sh ip| (noun) Webster's Dictionary

The way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being, family ties, family connections, blood ties, blood relationship, kinship, affinity, consanguinity, common ancestry, common lineage.

I commune with My God, and He does with me through His Living Word, His Creation and yes, even one of His finest creations, my daughter! My sole purpose is to glorify Him with my life, in my words, thoughts and actions! One day, I will stand before Him, as will you and we will give an account for our lives... our words, our thoughts, our actions... our choices. I long to hear the words, "Well done, my good and faithful servant"... do you? Do you choose a relationship with our Creator or religion filled with rules riddled with guilt that no human can live up to? Do you choose a Savior that has paid our ransom or religion that says you have to work your way to heaven by good deeds which no human can live up to? Do you choose to live a life worthy of the greatest calling, laying down your life, your desires, your wants in order to learn valuable lessons that only a Sovereign God can teach through the trials of dark Providences? Are you willing to walk a road of ridicule, judgement and hatred for Christ? This is the path that I am on and this is the venom that you have arrogantly spit on me, my God and my daughter.

I want you to know that I have no ill will towards you or your comment, but it was with righteous anger that I had to respond. I know it is not me that you attack, it is Christ and it is to Him that you will give an account too not me. I truly hope you find forgiveness and freedom in Christ and see then that our choice of LIFE for our daughter is not one of cruelty, selfishness or religion! Oh, and by the by... My God, He Does Approve!

God moves in a mysterious way

His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea,
and rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
and works His sovereign will.

You fearful saints, fresh courage take;
the clouds you so much dread
are big with mercy and shall break
in blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
but trust Him for His grace;
behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
unfolding every hour;
the bud may have a bitter taste,
but sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err
and scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
and He will make it plain.
William Cowper

Prayers For Little Angels

2008-11-08T06:41:00.000-08:00

Just a quick post to let everyone know that Prayers for Little Angels is now up and running with it's new look thanks once again to Danielle and her gift of beautiful creativity!

If you feel led, please feel free to grab the button (on the top of the side bar, just copy the code) and place it on your blog so others can be aware of the site and be praying for our little ones and their families.

Also, I have been asked a lot if the invitation is open to other families that you know and the answer is "YES". All you need to do is share with them the blog address and if after seeing it they agree this is something that they would like to participate in have them e-mail me at hislittlelambs@msn.com and I will contact them about the details.

Again, I hope this special place is a blessing to all and that it brings about many prayers for these little ones and their families.

Oye, can't sleep after this election!

2008-11-05T00:21:00.000-08:00

My thoughts are jumbled at 1:30 a.m. this November 5th morning... I can't sleep and keep awaking communing with my God... I am all over the place with my heart and thoughts... I am so glad He understands my mumblings.

In an outburst of sheer irritation last night my husband sweetly reminded me that we are called to pray for our leaders and OH that did not sit so well and stung my heart... I rambled on again and instantly heard Joey in the next room repeating the anger in my heart... Ops, forgive me Lord... I am Peter through and through, right there jumping out with my sword... I wish I were more humble and had prudence... its a work in progress, I'm thankful He is patient with my ugly misgivings.

The last couple of days I have woken up with the song, "You Are God Alone" I love it when this happens... I think the Lord is sweetly re-assuring me that no matter who sits in the White House, He is on His throne and that it is by His sovereign hand that this man has been elected as our new president.

Read these words with me as you sing in your heart... trusting in our Father in this new erra that is about to unfold before us.

You Are God Alone

You are not a God created, by human hands,

You are not a God dependent, on any mortal man

Your are not a God in need of, anything we can give

By your plan, that's just the way it is

You are God alone, from before time began

You were on Your throne, You were God Alone

And right now, in the good times and bad

You are on Your throne, You are God alone

You're the only God whose power, non can contend

You're the only God whose name and praise will never end

You're the only God who's worthy, of everything we can give

You are God, that's just the way it is

You are God alone, from before time began

You were on Your throne, You were God Alone

And right now, in the good times and bad

You are on Your throne, You are God Alone

Unchangeable, unshakeable, unstoppable, that's what You are...

Unchangeable, unshakeable, unstoppable, that's what You are....

You are God alone, from before time began

You were on your throne, You were God Alone

And right now, in the good times and bad

You are on Your throne, and You are God Alone

Unchangeable, unshakeable, unstoppable, that's what Your are...

Thank you Father for your sweet reminder... My heart rests in Your plan for our nation... and I submit and commit to pray for our new leader, love your little wild stallion at heart....

Happy Harvest!

2008-11-02T18:01:00.000-08:00

Joey's Pumpkin

Jacob's Pumpkin

Silly Time Boys

Check Us Out In Our Costumes!

Jacob and Teacher Mrs. Schnieder

at the 2008 Fall Festival

Enjoying our new park!

Joey and Teacher Mrs. Sweeny

at the 2008 Fall Festival

Enjoying our new park!

Schmabadosie as Missy Mouse

Abigail and Teacher Mrs. Amy

at the 2008 Fall Festival

Enjoying our new park!

The North Pole

2008-10-25T19:14:00.000-07:00

So... As I look at everyone's blog and their wonderful October posts filled with pictures of their children & pumpkins, corn fields & hayrided... I figured I too should get out and post of this wonderful season, but I had to skip ahead to.....

CHRISTMAS... my ultimate favorite time of the year!

Our family ventured out today and went to the North Pole to visit Santa and his village! It turned out to be a beautiful day up in the mountains and this special spot was so fun for the kids and us! There was Christmas music playing, lights, rides, yummy smells and fun everywhere. Abb's loved riding in her stroller up and down the hills (good workout for me) but then she had a diaper rash pop up and absolutely ruin it for her! Bless her little heart... at times I was actually embarrassed because she was crying, screaming, hollering at the top of her lungs as I was changing her... I got quite a few looks, but what do you do? After a dose of Motrin she mellowed out, but it took awhile! All in all it was wonderful!

Here are some photos of our time together...

PRAYERS FOR LITTLE ANGELS

2008-10-22T12:42:00.000-07:00

MY VISION & HOPE

I created Prayers For Little Angels so there would be a special spot to visit, read and pray for all the special little angels that we have come to know through this wonderful world of blogging.

I was finding it difficult to remember throughout the day to pray for each one and would feel saddened when I forgot. So, having one spot to come to with all these precious little angels there with their request seemed like a pretty good idea.

I was going to wait to open this blog site to the public until Danielle, the gal that re-did my TCM blog does a blog makeover to this site, but since I have had positive feed-back about it I decided to open it up now. If you click on the yellow sunflower photo at the top of my blog and this will re-direct you to this site.

I want all readers to know that if you are interested in having your special needs child be a part of PRAYERS FOR LITTLE ANGELS,

please e-mail me at:

hislittlelambs@msn.com

I pray this site will be a blessing to you!

"For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer." 1 Peter 3:12

My Sweet Boys In Fall

2008-10-18T15:50:00.000-07:00

Today me and my boys went for a quick photo shoot. It was such a beautiful day and though I didn't get to go where I wanted to venture... they turned out pretty darn cute!

So Much For Me Trying To Have Some Time!

2008-10-17T18:47:00.000-07:00

So after feeling better, I tried to steal away for a moment and came back to a beeping pump and this! I was stunned because almost NEVER does tubing break right at the red tip, see it still attached to her extension! Sorry for the graphic photo, the pinkish stuff is her amoxicillin mixed with tummy stuff.

Isn't this just true of life? Finally get some extra cash... the fridge breaks... Stealing away for a breather... your phone rings! Settling down with a good book, the doorbell rings...

Oh well at least I laughed at this dilemma. After all, this bump is micro in the mountainous world of Schmab-a-doosie!

The FICTIONAL BOOK The Shack

2008-10-14T14:15:00.000-07:00

O.k. so I wanted to post to let everyone know I am not falling off the deep in with my walk with the Lord because I've read this book, nor am I raising it higher than the Bible! Although I appreciate your concerns, really... I am o.k.

The reason I love this book comes from a perspective of creativity and only that. I am a photographer for goodness sake and absolutely love to be stimulated visually. I love Gods creation, all of it and my imagination goes crazy when I dream of what its gonna be like when I see my Saviors face, look upon God in all His glory and experience the Holy Spirit in perfection all in heaven... this day I long for!

With this being said, one of the parts of this book that touched me the most was Macks walk in the garden with the Holy Spirit "Sarayu"... "It was chaos in color. His eyes tried unsuccessfully to find some order in this blatant disregard for certainty. Dazzling sprays of flowers were blasted through patches of randomly planted vegetables and herbs, vegetation's the like of which Mack had never seen. It was confusing, stunning and incredibly beautiful..."

I also love Macks experience with Jesus on the dock... "They made their way three-quarters up the dock and lay down on their backs looking up. The elevation of this place seemed to magnify the heavens, and Mack reveled in seeing stars in such numbers and clarity. Jesus suggested that they close their eyes for a few minutes, allowing the last effects of dusk to disappear for the night. Mack complied, and when he finally opened his eyes, the sight was so powerful that he experienced vertigo for a few seconds. It almost felt like he was falling up into space, the starts racing toward him as if to embrace him. He lifted his hands imagining that he could reach out and pluck diamonds, one by one, off of a velvet black sky..."

There are so many more other parts of this FICTIONAL book that are chalk full of VISUAL stimulating things that I just loved...

We all need to understand that there is a grave danger when a soul picks up a book and deems it as it's source of salvation, deems it as his bible. This book is not the missing link and all readers should be cautious of this. This is a humans FICTIONAL writings, its not God breathed nor did God write it! This book is not a theological reference point for a soul to grab on to and run with it, again go to the bible for this....

I know where I stand spiritually and I am not encouraging folks to read it so you can understand God better... go to the BIBLE for this. My encouragement comes from the beauty of reading a HUMAN "trying" to describe time with God. God does tell us in His word, "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him - but God has reveled it to us by His Spirit." (1 Corinthians 2:9-10). I love reading what other visually try and come up with. Again his interpretation is just that... and, FICTION to boot... says so right on the book jacket!

So just so ya know... I am not running in the streets with a banner claiming this book reveals secrets that the Bible does not! Nor am I claiming with my referral that this MAN, this author, Paul Young is taking the place of MY GOD or my theology! Again folks it's fiction, it written by a imperfected human being... he is not God!

There I am done venting....

The Shack

2008-10-11T14:36:00.000-07:00

If your looking for a page turner... then you have to get this book, The Shack by Paul Young. My cousin told me of it and my excuse was that I did not have the time to read. Well, I bit the bullet, bought the book and could not put it down and am so glad that I did!

Here's the synopsis:

Mackenzie Allen Philips’ youngest daughter, Missy, has been abducted during a family vacation and evidence that she may have been brutally murdered is found in an abandoned shack deep in the Oregon wilderness. Four years later in the midst of his Great Sadness, Mack receives a suspicious note, apparently from God, inviting him back to that shack for a weekend. Against his better judgment he arrives at the shack on a wintry afternoon and walks back into his darkest nightmare. What he finds there will change Mack’s world forever.

Check it out here at http://theshackbook.com

Blessings...

October 2008 Updates

2008-10-10T15:01:00.000-07:00

Health Update

Abby and I have been terribly sick these past two weeks... I was hanging in there and then my body just gave in and I got hit hard. Abby's is on the mend... she went from one ear infection to another with a yucky chest cough and green nose! I am slowely coming around. It's gone from my head to my chest and now to my throat. I refuse to go to the doctors... I see enough of them for Abbs and don't care to pay co-pays, $$ visit and subscription invoices! They're all just "practicing" anyways so what do they really know? I know, I know not very wise coming from a momma with a child with disabilities! Well, I didn't say I don't take her, besides she sees specialists & that's different in my book!!

Surgery Update

I still have yet to hear from Dr. Weiners office about other dates other than December and I'm not too eager to call them. Matt and I really don't want to go through with the surgery over Christmas, so it's looking like we're not going to move forward with those dates.

Nursing Update

We still don't have nursing, the main cause (I believe) why my body finally gave in to this sickness. I have ALWAYS appreciated this service and felt guilty at times for having the help thinking to myself that I should be able to do this myself, but it is times like this when I am without that this truth comes thrashing hard against this weary old haggard body of mine. I am no young pup and the drive in me that wants to do it all @ 150%, well this 150% is taking it's toll! God is so good to remind me that I am not to lean soly on me rather I should daily lean on Him and His strength to sustain me. I do, but not always and this is why I think this small season (without nursing) however long it may be is a loving, faithful consistent reminder that it is through Him that I draw my strength.

Seizure Update

Abbs is still seizing, nothing has changed really and since we are not going to forgo the December surgery I will be calling Dr. Devinsky to see if he wants to reduce her Sabril medicine and raise her dose on the other medicine. I think his goal was to get her off Sabril all together so I will know more when I contact him.

Thanks to all that continue to read our site and care enough about our little lambkin to pray for her. And thank you to those of you who have signed her guest book! It is so super fun to see all that read her site, Blessings!

SURGERY UPDATE

2008-10-04T09:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Dr. Weiner's scheduler finally called me. She mentioned that they are completely booked. He only does surgeries on on Thursday and Mondays & only had one time slot available to do Abby's surgery. She said that her surgery is in 3 (yes I said THREE) parts which means she will be on the operating table THREE DIFFERENT times! I was completely unaware of this and she could not answer any surgery procedure questions, so I just had to trust that 3 times was right. So the dates that she had were; December 11Th, December 18Th, December 24Th. YUCK right smack dab in the middle of Christmas I thought... Then she proceeded to tell me that I would most likely have to come in the Sunday before which is the 7Th and that Abby would have to stay in the hospital at least a week after surgery and we should be in town a week after she is released in case something comes up! So looking at a calendar.....

December 2008
S M T W T F S
30 1 2 3 4 5 6
7 8 9 10 11 12 13
14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27
28 29 30 31

January 2009
S M T W T F S
1 2 3
4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17
18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26 27 28 29 30 31

That means we would be gone from December 7Th, 2008 to somewhere around the first or second week of January 2009!!!!!!! UN-real! She said she would contact Dr. Weiner to let me know if there is something else he can come up with and if not we will have to wait until next year.

Waiting until next year does appeal to me I must say. I'm not sure if it is because its way later than sooner, or if in my heart I am hoping for a miracle of no more seizures and we won't have to do the surgery... Maybe this is Gods plan that we wait because He has something else planned and it's just a season of testing for us??? Not sure, but what I do know is that He is in control and I still need to trust Him even in the push and shove of these enormous cold scary stormy waves!

Spurgen says it best...

"Do not fear! Has not God helped you in every plight already? When we cast our cares on the Lord, to do as He wills, at no time will He be unkind. He will never put us in the furnace unless He intends to purge our dross, and the furnace will not be one degree warmer than is absolutely necessary. Mercy will always balance misery; strength will always support burden. The Lord is our friend; He will never be our foe. Cheer Up! "Do not fear little flock," shake off your fears and rejoice, "for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom" (Luke 12:32). The road may be rough, but the end is sure. We are going to the kingdom, to a land where all the believers will be princes and kings. Take heart. What difference does it make if our accommodations are sparse, if the passage is rough, if the winds boisterous? There is a kingdom ahead! Make the best of this voyage, do not be fainthearted, but sing:

"With a bag on my back and a staff in my hand, I march on in haste through an enemy's land; The way may be rough, but it cannot be long, So I'll smooth it with hope, and cheer it with song."

My version:

"With Abby on my back and bible in hand, I march on (a day at a time) through Abby's medical land; the way has been rough and might continue to be, So I'll smooth it with hope and faith covering me."

Abigail's Princess Room

2008-09-30T14:30:00.000-07:00

Well here are a few shots of the princess' new room. I just hung her new chandler this morning and she loves it! It has white and pink glass pieces hanging that dazzle when its turned on. This room is much bigger with higher ceilings so I am still figuring out where to paint her pastel pink. I also want to do crown moulding and bead board but all in due time!

I put up a drapery rod along the side of her bed and adorned it with twinkle lights and toys so she can play in her bed safely. There's one picture of her bath chair in the shower which is a whole new experience for me with no bath tub, but she actually loves the water falling on her and it has worked out well for my back with bending over to bathe her.

Miss. Princess Abigail Grace just loves her new room and we are so glad that she does! You can click on the photo's to see them bigger.

Change Is A Blowin' In The Wind!

2008-09-27T19:15:00.000-07:00

Abbs is doing a number on my lower back and with no nursing... We had to do something and quick! I never realized how much I pick up, put in, lift out, pull up, go upstairs, come down stairs, push around, strap in, buckle up, sit down, get up, bounce up, bounce down, pull apart, put together, take out and put back all day long.... phew and I am sure I left a few out.

Even now as I type my spine is stinging and aching all over! So the remedy? Schmabadozie is moving down stairs and daddy's having to give up his office. Well, he's not too bad off, he gets Abb's room upstairs with a private bathroom! Today I have moved furniture (abbs) down stairs, re-painted, re-hung photos, cleaned and now daddy has his office... as you see below, Schmabs is still in the great room cauz I'm still preparing her room, painting and setting up. I hope that tomorrow we can get daddy's heavy desk outta there and move her stuff in! I know all this is adding to my back problems, but in the end... it should pay off!

You will notice that my little darling is not bugged at all by her little world being turned upside down! Shes just as happy as a little clam! She keeps me going and I just can't smoochy on her enough! Those cheeks are just too lovable!

Just a quick update on the surgery, I am waiting on possible dates and then we move from there. Dr. Weiner did say that it's 2 surgeries not one. 1st they go in an lay grids on her brain to locate the seizure activity (long process) close her up and a week later go back and then remove that portion of the brain. Hearing more about what they do makes my stomach queasy and I start to rationalize that she is doing fine and we don't need to do this... OH it's so hard on the emotions! I know its a good thing and may cure her of epilepsy all together, but does not make it easy on a mamma's heart. The doctor said that he has done over 700 of these surgeries and that about 15% do not work. Ugh, so much and I don't feel like talking about it. Thanks everyone for all your support in praying for us... here is a quick pray request that we have asked some to pray for.

1. Consistent wisdom in this decision

2. God's peace as we cling to our decision

3. Someone to go with me

4. Flight arrangements that will be a good fit for Abby with all her equipment

5. Wisdom for the doctors

6. That she would not be the 1% statistic that gets infection after the surgery

7. That Matt would have help with the boys while we are gone

Thanks for sticking with us and walking along side us as we tarry down this road! Tam

My Biggest Complaint

2008-09-24T07:21:00.000-07:00

In light of what I have already been through with my daughter this post is really nothing more than a vent session regarding an inconvenience that I seem to deal with a lot!

I want to know is what's going on in the work force these days? What happened to words once woven through the fabric of mission statements, but more importantly the caliper of the human race?

Words like;

ETHICS
COMMITMENT
LOYALTY
DEDICATION
PERSEVERANCE

These words seem to have disappeared all together! They are a facade on the resume to make one appear with high standards! Yeah, people say they have these qualities, but when put up against the wall, backed into a corner or put to test... they scatter like cockroaches when the lights turn on!

This is my complaint with nursing! Once again I am without one, because boardum has set in and the reality of home care nursing is not all you thought it to be and/or a higher paying job opened! Who cares about the family you ditch because your always looking for something better, who cares that they depended upon you! Who cares that their jobs are directly affected because the care they entrusted to you for their child no longer exists!!!

Do you not know how difficult it is to have a complete stranger come into your home? Or how hard it is to trust a stranger with our most prized possession not to mention our home and belongings? Do you not take into consideration that its a FAMILY that you are joining and not just a job? Do you not take into consideration that siblings of this child you care for have to get used to a complete stranger in their "safe place"? Do you not consider that once you enter a home, the FAMILY is at bay with everything because you are there?

Where is your commitment & perseverance to a job and seeing it through? Where is your loyalty to the child and family? Where is your dedication to a job that you paid a fortune in time and money?

Nursing is working with PEOPLE, sick and hurt ones at that! A job caring for pediatrics or geriatrics is not something to toss around because something better comes along. This field that you have chosen is PERSONAL even if you are told not to get "attached"! If you are that cold to withhold emotions and treat a patient like a object, your in the wrong career!

Keep in mind that your paycheck is inked and distributed by the company that you work for, but the monies deposited into your account are being withdrawn from the CHILD'S, parents or grandparents insurance which most likely has a cap and when it's gone, it's GONE. So take a moment to contemplate the wake you leave behind as you carelessly go from one job to the next without devotion, yet taking money!

I am not much for karma, but what I do know... you reap what you sow! So before you go an accept that "job" of caring for a sick human being, think long and hard of the aspirations and the dreams you once had... the ones that were so strong they drove you and pushed you through school to get you to where you are today.

These dreams and aspirations, they should be at the heart of your work ethics, commitment, loyalty, dedication and perseverance, for this is what nursing is all about, maintaining, aiding, helping and caring for the human race!

I leave you with Meg Ryan's response to Tom Hank in You've Got Mail...

Tom: "It wasn't personal"

Meg: "What's that suposto mean? I'm so sick of that... All that means is that it wasn't personal to you! It was personal to me, it's personal to a lot of people. What's so wrong with being personal anyway... because whatever else anything is it ought to begin by being personal!"

A Smile For Today

2008-09-20T11:08:00.000-07:00

Just a little smile from Abbs to brighten your day!

Thanks for your continued support and prayers!

We're still waiting to hear from the doc...

New Temporary Look

2008-09-18T19:05:00.000-07:00

I know, I know I can't sit still, I can't keep the furniture in the same spot in the house for too long without rearranging it, I usually go through my clothes and toss/give away items that I can't stand washing and cause clutter, I am a little too organized beyond what I need to be and keep finding new ways, new ideas to be more organized and I love to change the look of my blog all the time. My husband says I create organized chaos! I think he is right, but I love what I do and its just my niche!

I am actually having it done here in the near future by another gal, she's got a long waiting list so in the mean time, I decided to go plain Jane, simple which is unusually odd for me, but I will try it for awhile.

We are all doing o.k. Abbs is still seizing. I called Dr. Devinsky to try and schedule to see where the surgery would be inked on the calendar and the gal told me that he does not preform nero-surgery and that we have been referred to a Dr. Wiener who operates on peds. As I furrowed my brow in dis-belief I questioned if she knew what she was suggesting because I was under 100% assumption that he would, why wouldn't he, he recommended it, he brought her case to the board of surgeons and he suggested his book to prepare us for the surgery! Well, all this being said I spoke to him later that day and he confirmed that he does not preform the surgery that Dr. Wiener would and that if Abby was his child he would in a second have him do the procedure. He mentioned many other things to back up that this doctor is an incredible doctor and that I should have no worries, they are all on the same team, just different roles. After doing my part in googling him and having Matt read to get his thoughts we are at peace. Now we are just playing phone tag to hold a conference and then schedule a date. Thank you all for your continued prayers.... I feel like I say this all the time, I am truly grateful! Please see prayer requests on the side bar... I will try and keep these updated as I know more.

The Bruno Chair Lift Is Here

2008-09-17T17:28:00.001-07:00

A few months back I posted about getting a wheelchair van for Abby and found this path to be extremely expensive. After much research, I came across the Bruno Chair Lift System, which is much cheaper and fits the needs of Abby & our family perfectly. I reached out to many companies to see if they would be willing to donate towards this cause for Abigail and hit a lot of dead ends with the exception of three;

1. Ed Coleman with Plum Line Services: plumblineservices.com

2. All the terrific women with Women Aid of Castle Rock

3. Mr. Tom Robichaud with Precision Plumbing & Heating: precisionplumbing.com

Between these three companies, donations of over $7,500.00 was provided towards the cost of this chair! From the bottom of our hearts here at the Cochran house, we are internally grateful for your kind hearts and huge pockets of generosity! You all have made this possible for our daughter in aiding in her handicap now and in the future! Salt of the earth, salt of the earth you all are!!!!

So With No Further A'Doooo....

Here is the

"Bruno Chair Lift System"

* Still Action Shots by Photographer Tamara Cochran

* Modeled by The Famous Daisy May our 4 pound Shi-Poo!

Were Still Breathing!

2008-09-15T14:58:00.001-07:00

I know a lot of you are thinking of us and praying for us, again we are so appreciative! I wanted to let you know we are leaning towards surgery. I have just ordered Dr. Devinsky's book; Epilepsy: Patient and Family Guide as he recommended. This will better inform us of all the details and such.

Abby actually stopped seizing for a couple of days and on the 3rd continued up again. During those two days I questioned if surgery was right, but immediately thought of how this too must be a testing of my faith. God has laid surgery on our hearts as the way to go and then to see her stop for these days (which was rare) made me doubt and I realized very quickly that I should not sway from our prayerful hearts decision for our daughter.

I have been resting on, "In his heart a man plans his ways, but its God that directs his path." How re-assuring this is for me! It allows me to take a deep breath and relax knowing that I am trusting in my Savior for all decisions in her life. Because He is sovereign, whatever we decided He will direct it, wether the outcome is a good one or a difficult one.

This surgery was decided before the foundations of the earth were formed and that is overwhelmingly awesome to me! A very smart man gave me a great reminder that God brought Dr. Devinsky to us. God loves Abby so much that He directed us to this very intelligent doctor who cares deeply for Abby. From the start we were 100% at ease with him and trusted him as we have had the opportunity know him better though our past 3 trips to NY.

I also wanted to share that God reminds us through scripture that we are to constantly remember what He has done for us. God has been so faithful in our 3.5 year journey with our daughter. He loved us so that He chose her for us and has drawn near to us, provided the means and His grace to get us through each wave of unknowns in her life.

Blessed Be The Name Of The Lord!

I can not say how warm my heart has felt knowing you all continue to pray for us, thank you again and again! God is so good and so in control and so loves us that I have nothing to fear. I am the little sheep at His feet resting in His care... its a pretty good place to be!

My sweet friend in CA sent this to me, I just love all the truth it speaks...

"Jesus has many who love His kingdom in heaven, but few who bear His cross. He has many who desire comfort, but few who desire suffering. He finds many to share His feast, but few his fasting. All desire to rejoice to be with Him, but few are willing to suffer for His sake. Many follow Jesus to the breaking of bread, but few to the drinking of the cup of His passion. Many admire His miracles, but few follow Him to the humiliations of His cross. Many love Jesus as long as no hardship touches them ...

They who love Jesus for His own sake, and not for the sake of comfort for themselves, bless Him in every trial and anguish of heart, no less than in the greatest joy. And were He never willing to bestow comfort on them, they would still always praise Him and give him thanks." Thomas A'Kempis

Friendship

2008-09-11T08:35:00.000-07:00

I wanted to write a letter and express the comfort and joy my heart has felt and feels as I read and re-read all of your encouraging, loving and kind words for our family and little lambkin. The tears stream from my eyes as I am in awe of your love for our family.

I have experienced in the past that your true friends really shine as you walk a difficult road, and here, as we carry the weight of a hefty decision... you all are... encouraging, loving, praying, lifting my spirits... I know I am not alone.

I can not express the gratitude that I have for each and every one of you, from all over this world, from all walks of life and most of whom I have never had the privilege to meet. Just knowing that you are out there thinking of and praying for us does my heart a world of good.

So once again, and I can't say it enough... Thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring, taking the time to read Abigail's blog and for encouraging me with your comments, you all are so cherished and I thank the Good Lord for each one of you.

"A true friend is one that comforts & encourages in the day of difficulty and sorrow... here's to you... May the Lord bless you for your faithfulness and steadfastness in our life!" Tamara

Just got hit by a bullet in the heart

2008-09-09T12:34:00.000-07:00

I just got off the phone with Dr. Devinskie and I am sitting here in tears... he said that they all agree that Abby is a good candidate for surgery... I never thought that my heart would squeeze in pain again... its been awhile since I have felt this, I am numb and don't know how to react except cry.

I DON'T WANT TO BE A MOMMY RIGHT NOW... I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO MAKE THIS DECISION now or in the next week or in the near future or ever! I wish God would send us a letter in the mail, fed-ex or UPS telling us what to do.

I froze after what he told me, silence on my end of the phone... I knew I would have questions, but what were they? Why is it that my mind always goes blank why can't I think... All I could ask was, "When?" and he said that is all part of scheduling, then "How long?" he said 2 1/2 weeks to 3 weeks stay in the hospital.

He also said that he had to be conservative and tell me that because of all the structural disease on both sides of her brain (due to bi-lateral stroke) that they can't say surgery will cure her 100% of epilepsy, but since that all activity is on the right side it very well may.

This is it this is all I know... help me think of questions... what would you ask? I can't think!!!!

I can't imagine my sweet girl on a table having brain surgery... My daughter might be getting brain surgery... I never thought I would type these words.

Please pray for my husband and I as we face, I believe one of the most difficult decisions we've ever had to make. God is so good and I know this is a huge test of faith on our part, trust on our part... help me to trust Lord, help me to trust.

Abby's 1st Day of School!!!

2008-09-08T12:23:00.000-07:00

If someone would have told me a few months after Abby was born that she would be going to school some day, I don't think I would have believed them! Well here she is... 3yrs & 6 months to the date and just finished her 1st day of pre-school! Whoa... now thats what I call a miracle!

At 1st I was completely un-sure letting her go, I mean what could she benefit from going... Doc said she is at the maturity of an 8 month baby, she can't do what these pre-schoolers are able to do! But then the voice in my heart spoke and I realized that it is so important to give her every possible option to become the best that she can be and if going to pre-school in a 3 & 1/2 old body with the mind of an 8 month old... so be it!

By the by she loved it, was un-sure of it, and wanted to suck on everything she could get in her hands! It was so fun watching her interact the best that she could, I was beeming on the inside and so proud of her.

I will be honest and say that I thought for a moment that I would be a little set back by the other little ones running around, painting, playing, dressing baby dolls, eating, drinking, sorting shapes and pretending... but I was pleasantly surprised at myself (it's totally the Lord), it didn't bother me at all! Not many of the kids paid too much attention to her and when they did they were all very sweet. I wish my Abby could run around and play dolls with the other pig-tailed cuties in her class, but I am just happy that she is there, proud that she is there, loved that she was there! Thank you Jesus for my daughters life, her testimony and strength. Thank you for this miracle... My widdo-one's in school!

I hope these photos bring ya as much joy as they did for me!

What's In A Name?

2008-09-06T19:03:00.000-07:00

The other day I was thinking of all the names that I call my little one. I wrote them down, stared at them while in my mind I was recalling when & how I would uses each one;

Little Lambkins
Itty Bitty
Abby Grace
Princess
Momma's
Schmab-A-Dosie
Monkey Girl
Sweetums
Sweety Girl
Peanut
Angel
Quamquat
Princess Fiona
Pumkin
Sweetness
Widdo-One

I have one for when she's happy, one for when she's sad, one for when she is mad, one for when I just can't get enough of her squishyness, one for when I am in awe of her, one for when I am introducing her, one for when she is hurt, one for when she is in pain and the list goes on and on! I use all these name, because I love her and am intimately acquainted with her ways for as much as a mommy can be. Each one of these names has its special meaning that I use as terms of endearment towards her.

Then I stop and ponder a few of the names we have for our Savior;

Advocate
The Bread of Life
Bright and Morning Star
Wonderful Counselor
The Lamb of God
Emmanuel
Light of the World

We uses these names during all different times of our walk, because He is all of these to us and each name is used as a term of endearment for Him.

Advocate: one that pleads the cause of another.
The Bread of Life: The entire "bread of life" discussion is prefaced by the miracle of the feeding of the 5,000 (Matt. 6:1-14). When Jesus compared Himself to bread, He must have had the entire bread making process in mind. Before you can have bread there must be grain. A. The seed was planted. (Jn. 1:1,14; 1 Pet. 1:23; Lk. 1:35) B. The seed sprouted. (Isa. 53:2; Lk. 2:40,52) C. The seed bore fruit. (Lk. 24:19) D. The fruit is cut down. (Isa. 53:8) E. The grain is ground. (Isa. 52:14; 1 Pet. 2:21-24; 1 Sam. 53:4,5) F. The flour is baked. (Acts 2:27,31) G. Life giving substance is the result. (Heb. 2:10; 1 Jn. 5:11,12)
Bright & Morning Star: the Lord Jesus Christ - He never really changes, but His appearance depends upon where you are in proximity to Him.
Wonderful Counselor: Justly is He called Wonderful, for He is both God and man. His love is the wonder of angels and glorified saints; in His birth, life, death, resurrection and ascension, He was wonderful. A constant series of wonders attended Him, and without controversy, great was the mystery of godliness concerning Him. He is the Counsellor, for He was intimately acquainted with the counsels of God from eternity, and He gives counsel to the children of men, in which He consults our welfare. It is by Him that God has given us counsel.
The Lamb of God: "...Behold the Lamb of God which taketh away the sin of the world..." (Jn. 1:29) The Lamb is God Incarnate. The Old Testament sacrifices could never take away sin. Only God can forgive sin; forgiveness of sin must be accomplished in harmony with the nature of God. A holy, righteous and perfect God demands a sacrifice, which is holy, righteous and perfect.
Emmanuel: The name Emmanuel finds its origin in (Isa. 7:14) when the Lord said in a prophetic voice, "Therefore the Lord himself shall give you a sign; Behold, a virgin shall conceive, and bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel." The Holy Spirit interprets the name for us when He says it means "God with us".
Light of the World: One of the most famous illustrations that the word of God uses to show the difference between righteousness and unrighteousness, between good and evil, between truth and error, is the difference between light and darkness. The Gospel of John especially uses this picture. In it, Christ's life is called "the light of men". (1:4)

I am sure by now you have many other names you know of running in your head. All these names are special and have meaning to each of us in different ways! How awesome our God is... Just in a name alone there is so much power, life, and the zing of realness, a closeness that only a child of God can know as they call out one of the many names to our Heavenly Father!

One of my favorite names is, "SAVIOR". This short story displays His love as my Savior! Hope you enjoy...

Father With Son In Attic

A father had told his son he would send him to sleep in the attic, with only bread and water for his supper, if he broke the laws of the home once more.

The child disobeyed again and was sent to the attic:

The father could not eat. He had the boy on his mind and his heart. His wife said: "I know what you are thinking. But you must not bring the boy from the attic. It would cause him to disobey again. He would have no respect for your word. You must not cheapen your relation as his father by failing to keep your promise."

To which her husband replied: "Your are right. I will not break my word. To do so would cause my son to lose his respect for my word. But he is so lonely up there." He kissed his wife good night, entered the attic, ate bread and water with the boy, and when the child went to sleep on the hard boards, his father's arm was his pillow. He who knew no sin suffered for the sinner.

MUTSY 4RIDER "COLLEGE PINK" 2008

2008-09-05T20:14:00.000-07:00

Well here it is and I absolutely give it my thumbs UP! This stroller is so durable! It is soft and very comfortable for little ones! I am always looking out for the best possible solutions for comfort for Abbs and this is top notch, very padded!!!!

The price: $450.00 and it includes the 4 big wheels and 2 smaller swivel wheels and pump. I had to purchase the rain cover, diaper bag and dinner tray separately, but out the door with free shipping I paid $530.00.

The weight capacity is 55 lbs via the mfg, but can hold 65 lbs I was told by the gal that sold it to me. This was my biggest concern that I get something that Abbs can use longer so I can stay away from the wheelchair industry!

Abbs loves it and its so easy to manuver! Its a little hard with all 4 big wheels on, but its good for walking around outdoors or at the mall just not small tight places... then you'd need the swivels! You CAN move with all 4 big ones, it just takes getting used to because all 4 wheels can move or just the front or the back, you choose, lots of choices. The one big reason I am so glad that it comes with additional wheels is I use the big ones when we leave the house and the smaller ones when we come home. This way I am not tracking the outside inside! The wheels are super easy to pop off, just push that center button in and it slides right off!

Another neat features is that the the seat portion where the little bum goes, can be adjusted so that an infant or toddler can sit in a 90 degree angle (with their legs). I have never seen that on any other stroller.

There are so many more accessories that it comes with, I just couldn't afford to get them all!

If you have any questions at all on this killer stroller just e-mail me or comment and I will get back to you!

September 4th 1999 ~ 2008

2008-09-04T13:18:00.000-07:00

Nine years ago today, I walked down the isle to begin my life with this incredible man! I am so thankful to our Lord & Savior for blessing me with such a wonderful person to share my life with! These past nine years we have experienced life too it's fullest & we have stuck together through thick and thin and then some. I look forward to many more wonderful years, weather the storms or just kick'n it & laughing it up! Here's to us my love, Happy 9th Anniversary!

A few More Things

2008-08-31T20:07:00.000-07:00

O.k I went on Jess's blog and saw that she posted on what Alex uses. I liked her idea of showing items other than durable medical equipment and such so I decided to post those as well. Thanks Jess for posting, I love that you followed suit, this way we can get a peek into each others lives! ;)

This shot is of Abb's in her new walker using the toy hanger I made. I just wanted to show you what it looks like in action.

These next shots are of where I sit to blog and steal away from life, my little sancuary!

These are a wedge set that Abby uses to lay on tummy to strengthen her neck and tummy muscles. This set comes with all three heights. I think we paid $190.00 for them. They are non-skid and repel liquids.

O.k. these next shots are of a mini play table that Abby's 1st OT, Lisa S. made for her (she is brillant!) Again, it is made out of PVC piping, shelf, few screws and a small wood board. This 1st shot is of the base alone from a top angle and the 2nd shot is of the bottom to show how its made. The 3rd & 4th shots are of the top part (front & back), again PVC piping and a wire closet shelf tied on to the PVC with velcro straps! The last shot is what it looks like together. This is a great table that sits low enough for Abby when she sits (assisted) on the floor. She has the surface area to play on and a shelf to read or look at colorful things. The top can be flipped & angled so that if she were to lay on the floor I could hang toys on it for her to bat at!

Heres Abby's formula, pump bag and DuoCal that she uses. The DuoCal is used to add weight... I am thinking of taking her off because she's getting to heavy!

This is her feeding bag that I ordered from our healthcare provider, Apriah. It fits the Zevex Infinity pump which, duah I forgot to shoot a photo of, oh well...

Abby's suction with two kinds of tips, the Yankar and nasal canula tip for the nose.

Well there you have it. I am sure I will wake up tomorrow and think, "Oh... shoot I forgot..." Anyhoo, I am hoping and praying that tomorrow is very special for all my friends out there in blogger world!

"WELCOME TO HOLLAND"

2008-08-31T12:01:00.000-07:00

I was on a special friends blog today and came across this great story written by Emily Perl Kingsley back in 1987. Its about life and what its like living with a disabled child. I thought it beautify written and wanted to share! Funny thing is that she was living this story out in 1987, the very year I graduated from High School with my whole life ahead of me and little did I know that 19 years later, I too would completely identify with her words!

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, the Michelangelo, David, the gondolas in Venice, etc. You may even learn some handy phrases in Italian... It's all very exciting!

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy." She replies, "but there's been a change in the flight plan and they've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is, that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease, it's just a different place."

So now you must go out and buy new guide books. You must learn a whole new language and you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met in Italy. It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills... and Holland has tulips, Holland even has its own Rembrandt's!

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there, so for the rest of your life you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go... that's what I had planned" and the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But, if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy... you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

ALL ABBY'S LITTLE THINGS!

2008-08-29T12:27:00.000-07:00

So... here's my thoughts. Since we can't all get together and visit at each others homes, I thought we could share our little ones equipment and rooms with each other, via blogging! We all know that if we were to go into each of our homes, one hot topic would be the interest in rooms and equipment! I think it's always fun to see what everyone else is using and to get tips and ideas for our little ones. Most of her equipment has come from the company LECKY (www.leckey.com) check em out!

The bugaboo stroller has been wonderful, but I am expecting her new one on Thursday of next week. It's call the MUTSY 4Rider (www.barebabies.com) check it out! We are switching because she eventually will need one that holds a higher weight capacity. The Bugaboo is an awesome stroller, but only goes to 40LBS and the Mutsy goes to 55LBS and higher. I will post on it once I get it to give my review along with photo's! For those of us who don't like medical hospital looking equipment (ME!!!!) I will go as long as I can without having to get a wheelchair! Keep ya posted. Oh and yes, I have sold the bugaboo for those of you who have asked.

This white "Toy Hanger" is made of PVC piping! With a little imagination you can do a lot with this stuff! This hanger fits perfect over her bouncy chair so she has toys that hang directly above her. It also fits over her stroller, and if she is lying on the floor it keeps her busy! The lights I got a Home Depot two years ago Christmas, they are big and so fun to look at in the night time. Her bouncy is the last thing is in before bed time, so a little music, fun lights and toys she is set to go!

The Squiggles chair and stander both from Lecky are wonderful! I wanted the top of the line stuff for Abbs, had to fight for it, but it was worth it! Their products are so well made, durable and very comfortable. Most equipment, is metal with barely any padding and not comfortable! My child can't tell me if she hurts, so I want the best and the Lecky products are very cushiony and soft!

The red material on her trays is that stuff for your fridge non-slip grip liner. I use this because she pushes everything off her trays and this helps secure fun toys on her trays and helps keep them there.

The little Blues Clues chair is a blow up one. I saw this in the discount rack at WalMart for $1.99 and bought it because it's soft, comfortable and just the right height for her feet to sit on floor. We can practice sitting up with the 90 degree angle she needs.

The bouncy ball is so fun! I hold her and sit on it and bounce! I get my exercise and she get vestibular stimulation and loves it!

If any of you have any questions about her stuff, ask... I would love to share in more detail what she uses and where we got it. Hope you all follow suit, cause I'd love to see your stuff too. Again feel free to ask away! Tam

A Historical Day For Abby Grace!

2008-08-28T19:08:00.000-07:00

Today was a very big day for my little Lamb! Our hippotherapist, Saundra awhile back mentioned to us that she would like to see if the Hart Walker would benefit Abby. She explained what it was and that there were others out there that we could look into, but this one in particular allows the person to freely walk without being bound. Still not knowing what exactly she meant, she gave me a CD that showed what it was through others using it and walking with no human assistance! I loved it and set up an appointment to have Abbs fitted and to try it out!

So, we went and met Saundra, put Abby in this contraption and I tell you it was something else to see my daughter actually standing all by herself (well un-human assisted)! When she held her head up I could see how tall she was and "imagine" in my heart what she would look like walking around like a normal tader-tot! To be a mother and walk around the room with your child there with you while they stand on the floor next to you is a luxury that I finally got to experience 3.5 years into her life! Oh the things we take for granted! I was having so much fun walking around her, talking to her trying to get her to walk to me, taking photo's of this historical day for me and my heart!

Abbs didn't really know what to do. She has never really put weight on her legs and cognitively told them to go! This standing and feeling the freedom to move one foot in front of the other is a whole new sensation for her! I just loved watching her stand there, I was in awe! I think I shot over 150 pictures of mostly the same thing... her standing, but it was just so awesome!!!

She did move her left foot forward here and there, I was not expecting to see a miracle, well I did... my daughter stood all by herself and liked it! After awhile she grabbed the tie and decided to suck on it, but she did it STANDING!!!! YEAH ABBY!

Well, enough of my excitement. We ended up bringing the Hart Walker home for her to try out for a week and then, if we think it's a good fit for her we will order one. I was looking at all the equipment in my living room tonight... thinking man this is not what I had in mind for decorating! All this equipment that comes with along with a child with disabilities.... well let's just say I am glad that we never bought living room furniture!

So here are some photo's (just a few don't wanna bore you with duplicates) of Abbs living out this historical day, August 28th, 2008 the day Abby stood and took a few tiny steps all by her widdo self!

25 Things About Me You Didn't Know...

2008-08-27T15:41:00.000-07:00

Many moms are doing this and I thought, "How fun, I want to too!" So here they are, it took me some time to reflect and come up with 25, but I did it.

1. Back in the 80's I was "Bachelorette #3" on the Dating Game Show (that's gonna age me!)

2. I was in a Toyota commercial.

3. I have been to Egypt, Israel, Jamaica & Ireland .

4. My name is Tamara, but my family calls me Tammy. My mom got Tammy from a 1957 movie, "Tammy and the Bachelor" starring Debbie Reynolds. I adore Debbie Reynolds! She sang this song "Tammy, Tammy, Tammy's in love" which was on the Top 40 charts for 23 weeks, #1 for 5 weeks and nominated for best song in 1957.

5. I love tornado's and want more than anything to run with the chasers to photograph em!

6. My dream job would be a photographer for National Geographic.

7. I am a great personality mix of a Martha Stewart & Monk and then not, if that makes sense.

8. I worked at The Happiest Place on Earth... Disneyland!

9. When I was born, I had so much hair my mom put it in pig tails.

10. My 1st car was a little red Fiero.

11. I have seen Titanic in the movie theatres 17 times.

12. When I was little I always wanted to be a gymnast, but told I was too tall!!!!!

13. I often wonder with all that have past on before me, will I ever be able to walk "alone" with Christ?

14. I usually buy a new pair of glasses every year just for the fun of it.

15. When I was really little my mom found me in the bathroom playing cars on the floor with her tampons.

16. The last page of my bible I have written; "God wills for us to always remain thankful. It's a heart condition. God is the giver, I am the receiver. The receiver must always be thankful even in the darkest providence's! It's always external to us, we thank God. If we are full of ourselves, we can not be thankful!" * Sometimes for the greater good, sacrifices must be made.

17. I LOVE Turner Classic Movies and seriously feel I was born in the wrong era!

18. I hate shopping, especially for me.

19. I can not wait until Christmas to give/open gifts and usually do so the day I purchase or receive them even months before! I have a huge problem with waiting.

20. Whenever I am alone, and it's windy, I close my eyes and imagine that the wind that blows around me is a hug from God and the harder it blows the bigger the hug!

21. I was baptized in the Jordan River.

22. I love the heavens and all that is in them! I wish I could fly out there to explore em' especially the Eagles Nebula!

23. My favorite season is Fall with the smell of Christmas around the corner and that is why I put my Christmas tree up the day after Halloween.

24. I love the smell of rain and my daughters breath!

25. My grandma, who is now in heaven was the only woman who has had the greatest impact on my life because she was a walking testimony of the Proverbs 31 woman.

Hope you enjoyed and follow suit! If you do let me know, I would love to know more about you too! Blessings, Tam

Talk About Your Emotional Roller Coaster!

2008-08-27T11:56:00.000-07:00

Just spoke to Dr. Devinskie and he is going to up Abby dose of the Zonegram and decrease her dose of Sabril. We are to try this for two weeks and then I am to call him for a report on her seizure activity and any changes in her mood. He said we have given the Sabril every chance and now he would like to give the Zonegram a try.

I sheepishly asked if he had any information on the boards decision and he told me that it had not happened yet! He said there were two emergencies and they had to post pone the conference for another two weeks so he might know something by then. I-yei-yi! This whole waiting process is doing a number when I allow myself to ponder it. For the most part I have just been thinking of everything else but that.

I can not tell you all how thankful I am for all your continued prayer and support you have given me during this time especially! Thank you all and all I can say is that we will continue to keep you updated as I know more.

God is Good and very much in control, has His reasons beyond my understanding, is infinite in wisdom and loves Abby more than I ever could... How refreshing and peaceful to know this and I am rest assured that no matter what, it's all ganna work out the way it should, and has been planned way before the heavenly stars were displayed in all their beauty!

Abb's is still seizing... sleeping more than normal and she has her good days and bad day... and now we are adding a new molar breaking through to the mix. Poor little lambkin!!!

Love to all! Tam & Abb's

Nurse Carrie

2008-08-21T10:57:00.000-07:00

Well, we have some sad news and some great news. Nurse Katie had to leave us! Boohoo, we were so sad that she could not continue on with us, but she had good reasons for leaving, so we couldn't get too mad at her not to mention we will see her all the time cauze her little one will be going to the same school as Jacob, Joey and Abby too! We miss you Kaite!!!!!!

Now we have Nurse Carrie and we just love her! She is so good with Abby! Nurse Carrie is an RN with a heart of gold! She tells stories to Abb's all the time and plays with her constantly! She also is really great at putting Abby to sleep with her sweet voice. Nurse Carrie is with us 4 days a week and she has and continues to be a great blessing to us all!

Wheelchairs.... Suggestions anyone?

2008-08-21T10:46:00.000-07:00

Hi all, I have been looking into getting different chair for Abbs and wanted to know what you all use for your little ones. I know most of them are all so little still and maybe use a stroller still. I do too, the Bugaboo.

For me I have not seen a wheelchair for little ones that look comfortable. Abby is in her stroller about 75% of the time, so we need something that is comfy and user friendly, NOT medical looking (more for me) or that would hurt her little bum sitting for a long period of times. I think I found something that I really like, its not a wheelchair, but a stroller made by Pram.

I wanted to hear from all the momma's out there in the blogger world and what you use, like, dislike, etc.

So if anyone is interested in a practically new Bugaboo, never used bassinet attachment with all them trimmings let me know!

Thanks, Tam

No Call, but I still found out!

2008-08-21T10:11:00.000-07:00

Funny how God works... I told myself that I would put it off as long as I could... Then... later much later I would put a call into Dr. Devinskie to find out if he knew if Abby was a candidate for surgery or not.

Yesterday, I got a call on my cell phone that someone needed to ask me questions about Abby's last MRI results. I called this morning and this guy said that he needed the CD of Abby's last MRI to be sent before Tuesday's conference. My heart kinda dropped.... "What conference?" I asked (I knew, but wanted to hear from someone that it was official) he responded, "The one Dr. Devinskie is going to to present Abby's case." I don't know how I feel, always knew that he was going to do this, but now that it is actually going to happen I am kinda numb. Don't want to walk the wandering road of "what ifs" quite yet. Eventually, I know I will and I have many questions already filed away... but won't allow the drawer to be opened yet.

I have the CD here at home and will have to re-send it back out (I guess they never made a copy of it the 1st time I sent it out. So me sending this CD out is like taking the 1st step towards this possible life altering decision for my daughter. The hands on the clock continue to tick forward and I don't want them too... I want time to stand still for awhile, selfishly...

I would love prayer from my prayer warrior friends out there for discernment and wisdom on Tuesday while these doctors review Abby's case.

There is so much more I want to know, but don't... I want to call and ask, but can't...

Trust... Trust in the Lord... Be still and know that I am God... echos in my heart...

FAITH DAY 2008 ~ COLORADO

2008-08-21T09:59:00.000-07:00

So, I am a little behind on my blogging and will try and catch-up here. Below is a slide show of a trip that we took to see Steven Curtis Chapman and a Rockies Game in the same day at Coors Field back when my dad was here visiting... yes, yes, I know I am really behind! We had a great time watching the game and chatting it up. After the game was over we headed down towards the 3rd base line to get seats for the concert. About 25 min. into it, it began to rain!!! Steven continued to play his solo until it was over and as you can see all his equipment was covered up even his key board! They told us if we wanted to stick around to see if the weather would subside they would too and continue if it stopped. We decided that we would stick around too and were glad that we did! There was a beautiful rainbow over the stadium after it stopped raining... I tried to get a clear photo of it but my effort was to no avail. Steven did a great job and we all teared up when he sang Cinderella! What an incredible family they are... please continue to pray for this sweet family and that God would continue to use them in a mighty way! Tam

A Lesson Well Learned!

2008-08-16T16:50:00.000-07:00

I just talked to Dr. Devinskie's nurse yesterday. She said that he recommended that we add a small dose of Zonegram once a day, another target seizure medicine. I don't like the thought of introducing her little body with more chemicals... ARUGH!!!!

I had asked if her case was presented to the surgeons board by Dr. Devinskie and she didn't know. I am not sure how exactly I feel about this "no news" but I guess I'm no better off emotionally than I was before than if she would of given me a response. I wonder... do I push it and call again on Monday to get an answer or do I leave it alone? Ohhh sometimes I just don't like being a parent... Anyways I am suposto call her back if in a week to let her know how Abbs responds. I will keep you all updated and once again, thank you all for your continued prayers!

Since this past Monday Abbs has become extremely lethargic! On Thursday night I got really scared and tried not to show it. After our nurse left she was in her stroller and never made a peep. She just sat there... staring off with her little mouth open and a bit of drool dripping out.

When she was done eating, I took her out of her stroller and loved all over her, she never even squirmed... she was so limp... I laid her on the floor for a change and got side tracked with something and then realized she was still on the floor, I went to her and she was in the same position! I didn't know what I should do... I figured that the new dose of Sabril (now over 10 days in her system) was taking it toll and the side effect of tiredness and lethargicness was bestowing its ugly face. She would respond with a smile when we talked to her, but that's it.

I took lots of photo's made a short video, let her sleep with us.... In my mind I "would" and "wouldn't" allow myself to think the un-bearable..... I know, I know.... why did I do that.... having a little one with multi-issues.... I don't know when or how long I have with her and it is times like this that God reminds me that He is in control, she is not mine and I can't control His plan for her life.

Reflecting back, it's a wake-up call for me not to become lethargic myself with spending time with her and my boys. Lately, I have wanted to spend a lot of time "alone" just doing for me with no little ones around. Oh, how I long for some quiet! Then I think, "How selfish Tamara, you are not promised tomorrow and life itself is but a vapor and then its gone!! Your a mother of an 8, 6 & 3 year old nearing the corner of 40, and life according to the worlds calculations... its almost 1/2 way over for you!"

Now, I know God holds my every breath in His hand and when He decides to take me home... I do not know... So, I'm thinking... this should be at the forefront of my every thought: Loving my Savior with all my heart, mind and soul... Loving and enjoying my husband and children to the fullest because I know not when I will have that last hug, that last kiss, that last conversation or that last laugh, cry and so on! You know that old sang, "Life's too short" WELL IT IS!

By the by; Abbs is much more responsive and back to her ol' self again. I think God was just trying to get my attention and the juices flowing so He quickly jump started my heart with Abbs being lethargic!

"Thank you Father for being so close and so involved in my life... Thank you for the lesson learned and I pray I never forget to walk around with my eyes wide open and heart exposed to all that you desire me to know and learn, your little wandering lamb, Tam

Dads Trip

2008-08-12T07:01:00.000-07:00

Well I kinda had to skip photo's from Durango as I down loaded them on my old PC and now am up and running on the new Mac. On the tutorial said I have to get an external hard drive to transfer from the HP to a Apple.... YIKES~

I did right this time with my dads trip out! The last day he was here we went to Red Rock and had so much fun! Here are some of our shots...

UPDATE:

Abby is having about 5 seizures a day increasing from 1-2 seconds to 7-9 seconds... (jolting and staring off) I am a little scared as they are now increasing... not sure what is going on.... thanks for all your continued prayers! I will keep you all updated on I know more and speek to the Doctor. Tam

Wow, I am finally back!

2008-08-08T20:40:00.001-07:00

Hi all! I have been away for awhile visiting my mom in Durango for a few weeks. This was a much needed time away for some R&R and fellowship. Our drive began at 4:00am and ended up with us arriving just in time for lunch... and wouldn't you know Abby stayed awake from 4am - 10:30pm!!! I could not believe how packed our van was with all of Abby's stuff! Just amazing how much you need to take with you when traveling with our little angels.

Have any of you been to Durango? Oh it is so beautiful, everywhere you look you can see the wonders of Gods creation!!! In every twist and turn you take down a winding road there is such a different pallet of beauty! The air is so clean and fresh, thunder storms bring that wonderful smell of rain, it's green... green... green.... green... green and did I mention it is green! Oh and the skies at night are so black that it makes the stars appear as if you can reach up and touch them! Durango skies at night are filled with millions and millions and millions of stars and galaxies that are so visible and so close its spectacular! Can you tell I didn't enjoy my trip? :)

The last day I was there I got to take a 40 mile ATV drive while my mom followed with Abbs in our car. I could go on and on about every breath taking site I saw on that drive!

My dad is out for a visit now and I am enjoying spending time with him. I had only one day to re-collect myself, unpack and pull my house back together before he came and now I am up early trying to get a post out so you all don't think I fell off the face of the earth.

Abbs is still seizing. She is much much better though... her seizures are down to 1 to 2 a day and just real quick ones... she seems to be handling the higher dose of meds better, but has extreme diarrhea. I will be calling Dr. Devinskie this Friday to give him a report and see what direction he thinks we should go.

I will be posting photos of our trip a bit later when things slow down.... I just got a new computer, went from a Dell to a Apple and there is such a great learning curve...

So with all the travel, our nurse quiting and trying to find another.... family visits and just life it's self, I am thankful to all that have sent e-mails to check in on us. Next week I should be back to normal hopefully... well my normal... chat soon! Tam

Our Trials & Miles Apart, Have Brought Us Together!

2008-07-26T07:39:00.000-07:00

Wow, we finally got to meet and what a blessing it was! Cathy is everything and more precious than what I already knew! I am so honored to have been able to whisk her away for a short time, share our hearts and feel so connected and at home with her. Ladies, this woman is amazing and her heart is insurmountable for her family and little sweet Annabel! I am lucky to call her my friend and thankful that God has crossed our paths to encourage one another, I cherish our friendship... what a joy you are Cathy! Her sweet daughter Tara joined us for a fun afternoon and I am so glad she did! What a treasure she is, so sweet... I loved to see her interact with Annabel! Here are some photos of our time together!

I must say if there is EVER an opportunity for you to connect with a mother and child that you have connected with via blogging... MAKE IT HAPPEN! I love this day and will forever cherish it in my heart! Little Miss Annabel is a brilliant twinkling star that is so full of life I could not get enough of her!!!!!!!! I tell you she lights ups... She has the cutest smile, her eyes laugh with such joy and her little body does this amazing "Tickle-Me-Elmo" dance that makes my heart sing with laughter! Oh how I miss her so and wished we could have had one more day together! She truly is a little angel that God has blessed us with here on earth... I can say that I am so, so blessed to have met her, witnessed her beautiful smile, heard her infectious laugh and felt those sweet little hands reach up and touch my face... OHHH I JUST LOVE IT SOOOOO! Annabel I love you, little one! Thank you for the many, many smiles and laughter we shared together, May our sweet Savior bless your sweet heart, Tamara

Quick Update

2008-07-15T18:47:00.000-07:00

I spoke to Dr. Devinskie this afternoon and told him that Abby is seizing still. I could hear the disappointment in his sigh, and he quickly retorted that we increase her amount one last time. If she improves by 20%-30% I am to call him back in two weeks. If she has not improved by 20%-30% then I am to call in one week. She is going to be on a very high dose of Sabril and I am a bit nervous and well have to watch for the yucky and scary side effects. This last increase has given her really bad acidic BM's and they leave her raw! She has been more on the fussy side as of late and its become a little weary on me because she wants to be held STANDING UP and did I mention ALL THE TIME.... Why is it they have to be held this way, how do they know we sit and why does this matter so? This has become so tiring on my back but I just love her so, its really taking its toll on me. Come 7pm I am completely tuckered out and want to go to bed! I am so thankful that I have nursing during the day, although I can not sleep... Katie is such a blessing! I covet your continued prayer and thank you all for your sweet encouraging comments, I feel so loved and blessed to have you as my friends! Tam

Seizure Update

2008-07-13T05:48:00.000-07:00

It's early Sunday morning and I just couldn't sleep, so many little ones that I am thinking of often and praying for. It's amazing how just reading these stories daily... they each take a piece of my heart... they have become family to me... I love all my little kiddos out there in this blogging world!

Abby's seizures have not stopped. I don't know how I feel about it. I am kinda numb right now and kinda temping fate at the same time to see how far it will actually go, how long can I cling to not crossing that bridge before I fall apart and allow my mind to question, question, question?

Part of me feels that when I call Dr. Devinskie in a couple of days & he ups the dose that it will stop her seizures, so why worry. Then I think, will she always be on this huge dose and for how long and what if it only works for a short time?

What if we have to do surgery... I don't want to open this can of worms... there is a gate in my heart that is bulging and close to bursting with so many horrible thoughts of things that can go wrong! Have you ever felt like someone/thing has literally punched your heart and your heart really hurts, this is how I feel....

I just wanna ask for your continued prayer please. I know beyond measure that Jesus has her in His hands... All I have to do is look back and remember what He has asked us to walk through, how he carried us, loved us and showered mercy and peace on us............ I know He will again whatever the outcome.................. sad.... I am just so sad......

PERSPECTIVE

2008-07-11T05:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I saw brilliant hues of pinkish orange from the corner of my eye and ran to grab my camera to catch this beautiful sunset. Even my fancy-shamshey camera could not put its lens around it's true beauty as my own eyes could. I love watching the sun set because it's during this twilight time of the day that God faithfully displays a small piece of His splendor, just for us! How awesome He is and how sad it is that we get so caught up in our lives that we don't stop to take a breath and watch His splendor. Just like His faithful sunsets He is always there for us!

My husband shared with me the other day about how important it is to him that he teaches our boys to men that love God. He said, "The only thing that should ever be important to them is this (he pointed up and down) their relationship with God, and not this (he pointed side to side) the world and all it's faults/issues, because this... (pointing side to side) is, and will continue to fall all around them, they live in a fallen world!"

I can't tell you how this small moment touched me, its so simple! How often do I get caught up in my little world (bickering, meals, world issues, cleaning, shopping, bills, activities, working out... no wait, delete that one, appointments, issues with Abby...) I could go on and on. Each day since he shared this with me I have preached at myself this very valuable lesson and it is incredible how it has changed my perspective! It has actually allowed me to un-wind, stop and breath and focus on a new perspective (well not new, about 2000 year old) instead of continually winding up. Try it, although I will tell you that it is very easy to fall back in to winding up... So, if your anything like me, don't give up... keep preaching to yourself this very simple yet valuable nugget of gold!

This is an exert from my morning devotion today, hope it encourages you as it has me.

Disappointments that come, not by our own folly... they are trials from heaven. It is our own fault if they prove not to our advantage. To see the hand of God in them, with humble submission to His will, is the way to turn our water into wine and engage the greatest love and mercy on our side. If we look only at our losses, consider how little we deserve what is left. Our passion will cool, and our murmers will turn into thankfulness. In Him, His humble, sincere disciples find more than all that they lose in the world. All we have is the Almighty's; and shall not God have His own when He calls for it? Discontentedness is not only in such a case ingratitude, but injustice. For we are both un-thankful for the time we had it, and not honest enough to restore it, if we could keep it. It is hard for us to look on things in such a glass, and at such a distance from the low world; and yet it is our duty, and would be wise and to our advantage to do so. William Penn

Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. Colossians 3:2

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

"I know the plans I have for you, " declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hop and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

The Woman Who Bled For 12 Years

2008-07-08T08:51:00.000-07:00

A sweet friend commented on the song, I will Praise You In This Storm… my heart goes out ot her. I wanted to encourage her and all that may be feeling at bit of what she is feeling, as I know we have all been there a time or two as we endure and perserve our ongoing trials.

"A large crowd followed and pressed around him. And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.” Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering. At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who touched my clothes?” “You see the people crowding against you,” his disciples answered, “and yet you can ask, ‘Who touched me?’ “But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you go fin peace and be freed from your suffering." Mark 5:24-34

Us that have little ones with disabilities wonder if any or all of the issues with them will ever heal miraculously or get somewhat better over time with days, months or even years of prayer & petition to God. We aks ourselves why hasn’t He answered our prayer in the way we want? There are days when I get discouraged but I never lose hope. Even in the midst of the storm I know my Lord is there, working things out for me and giving me peace about it all. The trial remains, our plans might not work out, but His plans & ways are higher than our own. He wants to give us so much more than we could ever imagine. Even in the worst of circumstances, He can be glorified through our lives as we stay close and submissive in Him. The woman who bled for 12 years is close to my heart because of the incredible faith that she showed. Why now, after all these years, did God heal her? Was it for others to see her faith? Was it for others to witness a healing? Was it just for her? Was it for her own family and friends? Would she now go out and share the news of Christ to others? Was it just for us who now read her story… perhaps, it was for all of these answers. Can’t you just visualize this massive crowd surrounding Jesus, so many had heard of who He was, that He could heal & restore… so many, pushing and shoving just to get close.

Jesus had just been asked to heal a little girl and He was on his way to her home when He felt that someone had touched Him, that some of His power had left Him. He would ask His disciples who had touched His clothes... “You see the people crowding against you,” his disciples answered, “and yet you can ask, ‘Who touched me?’" But Jesus knew that this touch was different. This cry for help came from someone with a different heart, someone who knew what patience was, someone who knew what power Christ had and someone who had real faith. Christ would heal her because it was His will. Her healing would have a purpose that would grow more fruit than she could ever imagine. Sure, Christ could have healed her from day one and perhaps one or two people would have known. However, due to the delay and what this woman had to endure, the healing came so that millions would one day know Christ. Millions will one day understand that God has a plan for us too, and that it is greater than we all could have ever imagined! It’s not always what we want, so we must trust in His direction and not our own. FAITH IS NOT JUST SAYING AND BELIEVING, BUT LIVING IT DAILY Even when God doesn’t answer our prayers in the way we want, we still need to have faith. She believed in Christ and who He was, she first heard without seeing, and she believed with all her heart that He had the power to heal her! She came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.” Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering." Mark 5:27-29 He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you, go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” Mark 5:34 TRUST IN GOD I believe God works through doctors and nurses – I also believe we sometimes limit God because man is limited. This woman did what most of us do, she sought out many doctors to cure her. She spent everything she had only for her situation to remain. I feel she was at her wits end when she heard about Jesus and what He could do and she wasn’t ready to give up just yet. She took a risk to trust in God’s power and not man’s… This power would heal her, and she would suffer no more. "In God, whose word I praise, in the LORD, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? I am under vows to you, O God; I will present my thank offerings to you." Psalm 56:10-12 SUFFERING AND PERSERVERANCE This woman persevered to find a cure, and she never gave up. She would not find a cure because at that time there wasn’t one for her illness. Her cure would have to come from God. Her body must have been in pain, but it didn’t matter, she kept moving forward and was determined to touch Jesus, to be healed. "If we are distressed, it is for our comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for our comfort, which produces in us patience and endurance of the same sufferings we suffer." 2 Corinthians 1:6 "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4 LONLINESS CAN LEAD TO HOPE Because we know that this kind of illness would be considered “unclean”, this woman spent a lot of time alone, resulting in loneliness. Her illness kept her from being able to do a lot of things in her home, and in her community. She not only was bleeding but was also in physical pain. So many of us are enduring harships as we care for our special angels that sometimes keep us from enjoying life, seeking friendships, going to church and an so on. One day we get up feeling great and another we don’t want to get outta bed… I think maybe this woman felt the same, however her loneliness led to her hope in believing she would one day not suffer anymore, and she would be able to re-join society and she did. "Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering." Mark 5:29 DONT EVER GIVE UP ON GOD This woman teacheds us more than perseverance. Her life teaches us that we should never give up on what God wants to show us, that He is still at work in our live, our little ones and those that are impacted by the testimony and legacy that they live and leave behind! "And we also thank God continually because, when you received the word of God, which you heard from us, you accepted it not as the word of men, but as it actually is, the word of God, which is at work in you who believe." 1 Thessalonians 2:13 HUMILITY Can you imagine this womans unbelievable humility at this point? After 12 long, hard, emotional and exasperating years of suffering, in one second she had been healed not only from bleeding but from the physical pain. Are there times in your life that God has done something miraculous? Every day we am saved from near car accidents, infectious germs, and many other things that are mircals we over look daily. Every day, God gives us His word to renew us in His strength and every day is a new day to experience God and his love. Do we fall at his feet and thank him? or, do we take each day for granted? But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. "Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth." Mark 5:32 "When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom." Proverbs 11:2 SUFFERING I know Jesus suffered so much more than I could ever imagine. I know he understands our pain, our hurt, our disappointment but just knowing He understands what we endure because if was at his hand, His soverign plan for us should help us to endure and perserve what we go through daily. "And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort." 2 Corinthians 1:7 GOD HEALED HER FOR HIS PURPOSE In Luke 4:27, we find another account of the story of the woman who was bleeding. When she was healed she made a declaration for all of those around her about what God had done. Do you tell people of what God has done in your life? People seem to have such a hard time telling others about Christ. Start with hi, hello, it’s nice to meet you. Start with those you see daily/weekly like your dry cleaner, doctors, nurses, dentist, teachers, your neighbors. Start with a hello that leads to how are you that leads to tell me something about yourself and vice versa that… which leads to a small foundation for the beginning of a relationship. This small fraction in time we can be used to plant a seed that can lead them to Christ one day. Everyone we meet, every day has a purpose in our lives. Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. Then he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.”… For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. Philippians 2:13 God is working out his purpose in your life, too. This woman would become an instant witness for hundreds of people including Jesus disciples. Christ would not let her leave without revealing what He had done, so that people could see that this healing was by His “will”. This healing was not because of His garment but it was from Him. This type of miracle would only be one example of the many people who came to Jesus with only their faith, trusting in Him to heal them or their loved ones. So why did it take so long? Why has God allowed things to happen to us that seem obscure? Why dosen’t He heal or change our little ones lives? Why does suffering take so long? Just like the woman who bled, I believe it’s all a part of God’s purpose for our lives. I believe suffering makes us stronger, keeps us closer to Christ and reminds us of His control over our lives. Suffering also keeps us in communication with God. If everything was perfect, then we might have the tendency to leave God out of our plan, even our daily lives. However, through disappointment and unanswered prayer our seeking God becomes stronger. We have had to find a bigger peace and a stronger hope. It forces us to step out on faith in ways we may have never tired before. We have to trust God for His plan and not our own , believing His ways are better than ours. I have a hope and a promise that one day our suffering will be no more! Until then, I pray that we keep our eyes on the end goal, remaining willing vessels as we endure our trials that we may glorify God for to Him Be The Glory! Tam

I Will Praise You In This Storm

2008-07-06T14:10:00.000-07:00

This song is what I sang and breathed during the past few years of our trial and now once again I drink it in as it brings comfort and peace to my soul. If you are walking in the midst of a storm I hope & pray it will encourage you too. Please pause music at end of blog before playing video. Tamara

We're Home!

2008-07-04T10:29:00.001-07:00

Hello to all! We are home safe and sound now. I want to first say thank you to all that left such encouraging words on our last post! Each one has meant so much to me and has shown me such a sweet love that has warmed my heart. Thank you to those of you who have called and inquired about us and our trip. I apologize for not getting back, I have been very tired trying to get back into the swing of things and dealing with the jet lag. My age really does show as I can’t seem to bounce back like I think I should!

Dr. Devinskie came in on Wednesday morning and again explained that Abby is having epilepsy waves in her right anterior lobe. Seizures are occurring do the consistent “spiking” going on. Spiking is best explained like this. Say you’re sitting reading a book and you have a massive seizure that knocks you off your chair. Your whole brain is not functioning due to the seizure and you no long can read. With “spiking” it’s different. Again say your sitting reading a book, spiking would be someone consistently poking you in the arm taking your focus off your reading because you’re being irritated by the poking. In a nutshell Abby’s right anterior lobe is spiking and irritating her whole brain causing seizures and doing damage. He said that she is so globally delayed that this activity is not good as it will prevent her from developing to her full potential.

He wants me to think long and hard about the possibility of surgery as an option for her in the future if we can not get her seizures to stop completely with a higher dose of Sabril. I am to call him in 2 and 1/2 weeks to let him know how she is doing and if she is still seizing we will again increase the Sabril. During which time he is going to bring Abby’s case before his surgical conference group for review to discuss her candidacy for surgery. We are to plan on coming back out in 4-6 months for possible additional testing or surgery. I CAN’T EVEN GO HERE!

If the Sabril does work one of the long term effects is damage to the peripheral vision. We already know she is blind in her right eye (that’s why in her photo’s her one eye is off a bit) and in the left eye we know she can see, but just how much we are not sure and will never know. Dr. Devinskie weighing possible blindness or further brain damage is something to think about and of course I would rather no further brain damage. It is absolutely awful to have to make a decision like that for your child and wears heavily on your heart! Of course the vision vs. damage to the brain to me I didn’t give a second thought, but when I sit and ponder it I am so saddened because possibly to take away one of her senses arrrrrrugh... I am so visual; being a photographer site is everything... just so hard and hurts right now I don’t like being a parent and the responsibility that comes with the job!

Since we have left we have logged about 100 seizures and today she has had 5 so far. My prayer is that the medicine works so we do not have to have brain surgery... I don't want to walk that path... I don't even want to think of it. If you think of Abby, please pray for Gods will! He will sustain our family no matter the out come... He has shown us this in the past and will continue to be steadfast in my unsteady daily life.

Here are some photos that journal our trip from beginning to end... pictures really do speak 1000 words. Again, thank you all for your prayers, I am sorry this is short and to the point, I just don’t have the inspiration to share more of my heart as it is heavy right now. God is good, He is in control and He is my refuge...

Molly "Faithful Friends" Laurie

Abby Sleeping On Way To NY

Majestic Clouds On The Way To NY

Me & Abbs Waiting To See Doctors

Dr. Lajoie & Dr. Devinskie

Crazy Hair Before EEG Application

Ouchy & Icky Momma I Don't Like This!

Momma Makes It All Better

No More Please!

Crazy Spiking Brain Wave Activity!

Feeling A Bit Better Now For Now...

All Tuckered Out... Sweet Gifts From Pilots To Make Flight Fun!

Feeling A little Better Now!

~ Spectactular View ~ God's Beautiful Creation From Above!

Thunder Head We Pass On The Way Home!

Prayer Request/Update

2008-07-01T13:03:00.000-07:00

Tamara does not have access to the internet so she has asked me to post this update for all you faithful prayer warriors. Thank you for praying for this family. Corie

We are here in New York for Abby's annual neurological testing with Dr. Divenskie. This morning he informed Tamara that there is a possibility he would need to operate on Abby to remove the right portion of her brain. Her recent seizures are due to the spiking in her brain. They are going to lower her sabril (seizure medication) tonight & monitor her through the night before making a decision. There isn't a known time as to if/when they would operate.
Please be in prayer for wisdom for the doctors as well as grace & comfort for Abby, Matt & Tamara.

Photo's For Fun

2008-06-26T15:50:00.000-07:00

Abbs Just Hanging At The Park Before JoeMan's Game

Brothers & Sissy at JoeMan's 1st T-Ball Game!

JoeMan #9 Checking Out His Competition!

Look At That Perfect Swing, Go JoeMan!

Grandma Jona Came For A Visit & We're So Glad She Did!!!

Specail Friends, Brees & Abbs Sitting Together For The 1st Time!

NYU Medical Center

2008-06-24T06:17:00.000-07:00

Most of you are not aware, but we are off to NY this Sunday, June 29th. Abby's being admitted for an EEG/Video Monitor and will be seen by Dr. Devinskie in order to hopefully get some answers as to why she is seizing or why the low dose of Sabril is not working anymore. We will be there Sunday morning to Wednesday night, July 2nd. I ask that all would pray specifically for our flight safety there & back, answers to my questions and ease for Abby as some of you know the process of an EEG is not fun... for those of you who are unaware of the process... here's what they do. The technician measures the head and marks the points to which the 24 electrodes would be attached with a red pen. After marking, one at a time each electrode point gets a spot of adhesive then the electrode is placed and crimped into place while a device that looks suspiciously like a glue gun emitts cold air over the electrode. This is the part that is scary for Abby because its loud, very cold and smells awful! Have you ever got your nails done or a perm? Combine those two and rev up the smell x 10! This whole process takes about 1 hour. She then gets a streatchy white mesh cap that goes over her head. I figure it must feel like laying down with hard curlers in your hair for 3 days! The fun part is that they come loose and have to be re-applied! The process to take them off is awful! Her hair gets pulled and her skin is red and has small burns from the glue and the residue left is litteraly getting the "adhesive" out. It takes forever and is not a fun process for her or me! I have two wonderful friends that are coming along to help with rotations. Abby's care is all on me and she has to have an adult/family there 24/7 so I can't even leave to pee if I had to without some one to watch her while I step out for a moment! I will be sleeping with her these nights on a top notch fold out chair, so maybe a prayer or two for my lower back to not flare up up would be nice. I will be checking my e-mails daily so please feel free to e-mail me at hislittlelambs@msn.com if you'd like. I will try and update her blog there with any new news. Thanks all for your continued prayer for my little lamb!

The Lord is faithful to all His promises and loving toward all He has made. Psalm 145:13

Thursday, October 12, 2006, 4:59pm

2008-06-18T10:03:00.000-07:00

Below is an e-mail that was sent to my close family and friends back in 10/06. A friend of mine just found it and forwarded it on to me a few days ago. Have you ever gone back and re-read the places God has taken you? This was a good season of blessing among our fiery trial. It was so good to re-read where I was then and what I was experiencing. Hope it encourages you.

Thursday, October 12, 2006, 4:59 PM
Hey everyone... I am sending an update on our little Abby so that everyone is caught up at one time. Everything is pretty much the same physically with Abby since the last notice. Her seizures are becoming more intense, not the amount that she has, but the longevity of them and the pain that comes with them. She has been completely weaned off of all chemical medicine and is strictly on Manatech, which is the stuff that my aunt Maral sells. We continue to pray that God uses it to heal her.Well for the latest... I've come across some news of a drug called Sabril that is not approved by the FDA here in the USA. It is used to stop seizures in other countries and was discovered in France. There are a few M.D.'s that can get it here, but only for a pre-existing condition. Abby's O.T. said that she works with little guy here in Castle Rock that had a stroke and developed Hypsymarthia and that he was given Sabril in New York by a Orrin Divensky and has not had a seizure since! I promptly hopped on line got Dr. Orrin Divensky's information and emailed him. To make a long story short, we are going to New York December 2nd through the 9th. I can say nothing more than God is so good!!! And right now He is raining down on us His mercies and love. Only He could orchestrate what has taken place thus far and ALL the glory goes to Him! I just have to share the events that have taken place so you can comprehend what He has done for us. We have been trying to get a specific stroller for Abby and were denied by our insurance company even though it was approved by her O.T. and doctor. I was bummed because I don't ant an ugly heavy wheelchair and this stroller would have benefited her until age 4! Hang tight there is a point to this part.

Information of Sabril was provided about 2 weeks ago today, so two weeks ago I emailed Dr. Devinsky to see if there was anyone here in Colorado that could do the same that he could. He referred someone here in Denver, but we could not get in until sometime after January 2007! So, the next day I called him back and left a message asking if there was anyway we could see him sooner if we flew there. He called us back the next morning at 6am sharp and said he wanted to see Abby October 16th and that his office would contact us later that day. Time wise we couldn't make it happen that quickly with flights plans, figuring out who could care or Jacob & Joey, so they offered November 27th. We planned to leave then, but trying to find two round trip tickets to NY the weekend after Thanksgiving was a no go. I called Dr. Divenskys office and they told me to get tickets when I could and they would work around our schedule! Finally, we got the 1st available seats for our frequent flyer miles on December 2nd and surprise, we had enough. The next hurdle was immediately finding someone to come with me that I could trust and that could help with Abbs. I called Heidi Seidler, Abby's 1st nurse and she instantly said, "I am there! Thank you for asking because just yesterday I was crying before the Lord asking what my purpose was because I felt I was not being used and now you call and ask for my help! Isn't God good?" On that following Tuesday I was thinking again of the stroller. I called our insurance company and asked for a letter explaining why they denied the stroller because I was going to fax a copy to the CEO of Aetna. The very next day, bright and early in the morning I got a call telling me, that our case was re-submitted and approved. I asked why and she told me that they did not want me going to the CEO. UNBELIEVABLE!!!! This should teach us all perseverance and to push a little harder!!! She also mentioned that they would pay 80% and we would have to get the remainder 20%, but then we have Medicaid so they will pick up the 20% and we get our stroller just in time for our trip!!!! Praise God!

This one just about knocked me off my feet! Feeling just in awe about all this stuff that has taken place, a week later I received a phone call from someone that knew of our situation with Abby and trying to get to NY. He said that we wouldn't have to worry about the flights because a private jet was waiting to take her to New York! NO WAITS, NO SECURITY, NO GERMS, NO UNCOMFORTABLE SEATS, AND NO 5.5 HOURS TO FLY!!!!!! They will get us there in 3 hours and we get the red carpet treatment!!!! I CRIED LIKE A BABY!!!!! I could not believe what he had offered... this kinda stuff does not happen to us! Could you ever believe it? I just kept thinking wow the Lord this is just too much, why us!

Well that is it in a nutshell! I can't say enough how good God is in both the rainy and sunny seasons! I praise Him now for all the blessings that just fell from heaven and in the times that have been dark and lonely. His love is never ending, He seizes to uphold His own, sheltering, allowing trials to come for our own good, and forever holding us close to Him. How beautiful are the trying times! They challenge us, conform us, grow us up and make us face our fears head on. They show us what we are made of when the tuff times hit hard.

Do we stand up preserver and fight?
Do we cower and run?
Do we have faith and pray without ceasing?
Do we rage in anger?
Do we trust and run to Him?
Do we hide and withdrawal?
Do we fall on our faces and admit with humility that we can't make it on our own?
Do we read the Living Word?
Do we turn our backs and stay idol?

I admit I have done them all! The neat part that I am learning is that He loves me regardless of my actions that I don't have to do good in order to gain His approval. He is not a God that loves and blesses based off performance! He sees me through the veil of Christ, stainless washed with the blood of the lamb.... There is nothing that I can do that will change this and for that I am forever grateful! I choose to seek to be Christ like, yet I fail daily and even in the midst of my failure He is right there loving me and blessing me. I must admit I have struggled with that for such a long time. It's all around us; wherever we turn we must perform to get the prize, whatever that may be! We can't earn blessings! We can't earn our salvation, it's free! We can’t earn His love... He loved us first... How can one earn something that was given first? God continues to mold me and teach me, it's just wonderfully painful. Yes, that makes perfect sense because "training" no matter the course is never a walk in the park! As we walk through valley of training through perseverance we eventually reap the beauty from the mountaintop! Once at the mountaintop my soul longs for the valleys below because it is there God draws near... and the fellowship is sweet... and the battle of spirit warring against the flesh to reflect the image of Christ in all things rages on! We must not fear the valley! It is there we become perfected in Christ!

James 1: 1-3 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of you faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Romans 5:1-3 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith in the grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in hope, of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character and character hope.

Thank you all who continue to pray for little Abby! May the Lord richly bless you through her little life, her ministry!

Tamara
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense
but trust Him for His grace;
behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

Back To Hippo Therapy!

2008-06-13T15:37:00.000-07:00

Well we went to hippotherapy today. Abby complained pretty much the whole time. I think she was just fussy because she is getting teeth, is getting over a cold and was just plum not ready to ride Tee Jay in the sunshine.

This was our 1st day at Boots and Saddles and I really like the facility! The surrounding area is beautiful, wide open space with lamas, baby sheep and lots of little baby horsy all around! Jacob and Joey had run of the barn with their new friends Keaton & Erin who live there.

Abby did for a short time enjoy her session around the outside arena, and even patted Tee Jay to "Walk On"! As soon as she was taken off she was put in her stroller and she completely conked out! She didn't even wake up when we put her in her car seat and slept the whole way home! She never does this, so it was a nice surprise, for her to get a nap and for me to know she worked hard bless her little heart!

If any mom's have the chance, work hard at trying to get hippotherapy for your little one! Abby with lots of aid, started to kick out to take steps and walk! You can read about that in an earlier post. It's so worth it, and so exhilarating to watch your little one on horse back! It's kinda expensive, but check to see if your insurance will pay for some and if you have Medicaid they should pick up the rest. Find a center that takes insurance and Medicaid (some don't, only cash.) You will have to get your pediatrician and or physical therapist to write a letter of medical necessity for this, but make sure they don't say "hippotherapy" just therapy or Medicaid won't pay!! Also, if you have Medicaid and are receiving in home therapy, the par for that will have to be released as Medicaid will only pay for one par at a time for therapy.

Tam

Photo's of Abbs ~ 1st days

2008-06-11T15:16:00.000-07:00

I realized that I never put photos up of Abby's 1st days. So here are a couple. You can see how much she has changed! Yes she was a tubby... 8lbs 12.4oz when she arrived and then 2 days later dropped to 6lbs due to failure to thrive and the rest you know. I don't have many hospital photo's because I didn't want to remember what she looked like with all the tubes.

Thank You, Plumb Line Services!!!!

2008-06-04T14:21:00.000-07:00

This is Ed Colman the General Manager of Plumb Line Services in Englewood Colorado. He stopped by our home today to give Abigail a check for $500.00 to help aid in the cost of her Bruno Chair Lift system!

How grateful we were to receive this money!

God is so good to show such kindness through wonderful people like Mr. Colman!

All those reading living in Colorado, this company offers

Plumbing, Heating, Cooling and Electrical work!

If you are in need here is their website.

http://www.plumblineservices.com/

THANK YOU MR. COLMAN and Plum Line Services!

Abigail and Tamara

Womanade of Castle Rock

2008-06-03T20:09:00.000-07:00

Tonight I was honored to partake in a wonderful cause through, "Womanade of Castle Rock". Last week I received a phone call from Diane with the Castle Rock Chamber of Commerce that Abigail was chosen to be a recipient for the month of June! Thank you Jesus!

Starting with only 4 women and an idea from a Simple Magazine, this very special group has grown into 40-50 ladies that come together every quarter to fellowship and talk about their main purpose... raising money "together" in order to give to people in need from the Town of Castle Rock! Tonight we were told that they have raised an incredible $16,000.00 and have helped over 20 families! Can I say that they are wonderful and doing a beautiful thing! If you have a chance check out their website at http://womenadecastlerock.com/ to read more about their mission!

I was asked to share and told of Abigail story from the beginning (the nutshell version). I also spoke of the Bruno Chair Lift System that I am trying to get help in funding for Abigail. I have never spoke to a group of this size and was a bit nervous and teary eyed, but managed to pull through without completely falling apart! I was and am still just so overwhelmed that they would want to help little Abigail!

So many sweet ladies came up to me afterwards to give me a hug and a bit of encouragement... It was so wonderful to be apart of something so beautiful and loving!

To all the wonderful women that I met tonight, thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your love, devotion, and desire to work together to bless those in need! You truly are a blessing from above and I pray that the Lord will continue to bless the work of your hands!

I thank my God every time I remember you. Philippians 1:3

Morning Fun

2008-06-02T20:50:00.001-07:00

Just thought I would show a shot of how Abby begins her mornings. This bouncer is my babysitter and I am so greatful for it! I know I have gone a little crazy with all her toys, but she worth everyone and more! She's got a little radio under the bouncer tuned into K-Love that gets her going in the mornings!

On a side note, since we have upped her seizure meds she is still seizing. Not sure if I mentioned it or not, but we are off to NY again at the end of June to see Dr. Devinskie and to get another EEG. I am hoping they will find something and give us some information as to why. If you think of it, please continue to keep her in your prayers. I will keep you all updated as it gets closer as when we are there as to what we find out. God is GOOD and we trust Him!

Jacob Ryan Fahmer

2008-06-01T09:38:00.000-07:00

Please lift this sweet family up in prayer as they cope with the loss of their little angel.

Jacob Ryan, your life has been a blessing and testimony to many!

May you rest in Jesus little one.

January 14th, 2008 - May 30th 2008

http://fahmer.blogspot.com/

"If You Give A Mom A Muffin"

2008-05-30T11:05:00.000-07:00

O.k. so I read this poem, "If you give a Mom a muffin" and love it! Then I thought about writing one for us crazy mother bloggers! Here is what I came up with...

If You Give A Mom A Muffin... (Blogger Version) Created By Tamara Cochran 5/28/08
If you give a mom a muffin, it’s likely she will want to blog while eating it. She’ll plop herself down at her computer. Her kids will call out that they are hungry she will yell out, “Just a second!” and return to blogging. While going from one blogsite to another the phone begins to ring... she does not hear it. 45 min. later the kids beg for anything to eat; without looking at them she waves them off telling them to grab something and continues to blog. Grabbing chocolate pudding, juice, cookies, peanut butter and chips the refrigerator is left open, a trail of juice is spilt on the floor, crumbs are everywhere the phone continues to ring and now the washer is buzzing... she continues to blog! She comes up for air and runs to the kitchen closes the fridge, wipes up the juice, leaves the crumbs and puts a few dishes in the dish washer. She returns to blogging. The kids begin to fight... “The puppy fell in the toilet!” and she yells out, “No, not now...just get along for once!” She breaks to grab the sopping dog not noticing the toilet paper hanging from its tail, she puts her in the laundry room and goes back to blogging! 3 hours later all common since and parental consciousness has been thrown out the window! The kids are now sleeping on the floor, the TV is blaring, the puppy is shivering in the laundry room, the washer is filled with a spoiled wash. She finally releases her grasp from blogging grabs the 1/2 dry puppy, walks over crunchy crumbs, turns off the TV, kisses her kids and falls asleep while dreaming of blogging.... all the while the muffin grows stale next to her PC.

If you Give A Mom A Muffin by: Kathy Fictorie
If you give a mom a muffin, she'll want a cup of coffee to go with it. She'll pour herself some. Her three-year-old will spill the coffee. She'll wipe it up. Wiping the floor, she will find dirty socks. She'll remember she has to do laundry. When she puts the laundry in the washer, she'll trip over boots and bump into the freezer. Bumping into the freezer will remind her she has to plan supper. She will get out a pound of hamburger. She'll look for her cookbook. (101 Things To Make With A Pound Of Hamburger.) The cookbook is sitting under a pile of mail. She will see the phone bill, which is due tomorrow. She will look for her checkbook. The checkbook is in her purse that is being dumped out by her two-year-old. She'll smell something funny. She'll change the two-year-old. While she is changing the two-year-old the phone will ring. Her five-year-old will answer and hang up. She'll remember that she wants to phone a friend to come for coffee. Thinking of coffee will remind her that she was going to have a cup. She will pour herself some. And chances are, if she has a cup of coffee, her kids will have eaten the muffin that went with it.

Bridges In Our Lives

2008-05-29T19:18:00.000-07:00

One thing that I don’t allow myself to ponder on is what my life is going to look like in the near and far off future with regards to Abigail. Even when I began to walk this journey, I would not allow myself to “wonder” and play in my heart the “what ifs”. To be honest I did at various times think beyond the tomorrows, but very quickly came back... for in those moments I went beyond the protection of the gate. My Dad, for as long as I can remember growing-up would always encourage me with “Don’t cross that bridge until you get there honey, today has enough of its own troubles”.

Matthew 6:25-34 says, 25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? 28And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31"So do not worry, saying, `What shall we eat?' or `What shall we drink?' or `What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Dad would call me often in the hospital after Abby was born and encourage me over and over, “Don’t cross that bridge until you get there”... I knew God was asking if I trusted Him completely... I wanted to obey; I wanted Him to smile when He looked upon His daughter in this trying situation and therefore prepared my heart to submit fully each time.

I want to encourage those reading this to submit your hearts from wandering. Stop at His feet, lay down your worries, what ifs and wondering! Anticipating future troubles by worrying about them today only doubles them. New troubles visit us each day, but so does our Heavenly Father! It is by His grace that we will get through our daily trials during our lives, enduring them, learning from them, being strengthened from the journey, until we enter into His kingdom and glory forever, where we will never again hunger or thirst, where we will be led to springs of living water, where God will wipe away every tear from our eyes!

TRUST... Embrace it, for it is so FREEING! Ask yourself, if you trust God for the most important thing ever.... your salvation, how then can you not completely trust Him in your daily trials?

Jeremiah 17:7-8
Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.

Isaiah 26:3-4
You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal

Proverbs 16:20
Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers, and blessed is he who trusts in the Lord.

Isaiah 43:2
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze”, says the Lord.

Proverbs 16:9
In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.

Psalm 51:6Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you O God, teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

Quiet Time?

2008-05-28T05:51:00.000-07:00

Remember back when we were all single how easy things were. I know that I had all the time in the world, to exercise, take a shower or bath, apply my make-up, do things at my pleasure and time galore to read whenever and wherever!

I was just wondering if any mom's out there in this blogging world have suggestions as to how they creatively find quiet time to have devotions without it being at 1am in the morning when its all I can do to muster up the strength to keep one eye lid 1/2 way open!

Does anyone else struggle like this or is it just me? Finding that spot in my day that can be consistent to spend time with the Lord is like trying to find gold in my dirt in the backyard!!! I get overwhelmed and then "quiet time" becomes an item on a check off list and guilt sets in if it is not checked off and it should not be this way! I know the Lord knows we as moms never rest, but I also know He desires us to spend time with him in prayer and reading.... Ha ha prayer, all I can hear is, "MOM!!!!! Jacob hit me, NOOOOO I DID not!" "Mom, I thirsty", "Mom I am BOARD!", "MOM where's my sock?" The only time I get silence is sadly when I am alone in my car which is rare!

The earlier I try (and tell me if this happens to you) to get up my wonderful children seem to all the sudden not be sleepy any more and they are up at the crack of dawn at my feet and ready to go! Why is this? Do they some how know? It's like before the phone rings, the kids are quiet and playing and then this ring somehow break into their silence and WHAM.... they all the sudden become Mr. Incredible and the Hulk fighting to the very end right at your feet!

So all this to ask if anyone else is like me or am I a duck on an island here? Well, no I guess I wouldn't be cauz then I would have all the time to read that I wanted to except... ducks can't read, AHHHHH!

What An Adventure!

2008-05-26T20:27:00.000-07:00

I was just sitting here thinking what an adventure life has been with my sweet little lamb and so I put this photo together. I love this shot because she is looking up with her sweet smile as she often does and I had to wonder as I captured this moment if she was not looking at Jesus. I love it when she looks up... Sometimes I will catch her giggling with no one around... she gets so tickled... my heart longs to see what she sees! Another reason I love this photo is that it reminds me that I too need to daily look up, keeping my eyes on Jesus as I journey on this adventure. Even when I feel I am faltering I need to constantly remind myself He is right here with me each and every step of the way.

Philippians 3:13-14

Forgetting what is behind and straining toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Jesus Christ.

Psalms 37:23-24

If the Lord delights in a man's ways, He makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with His hand.

More Than Conquerors

2008-05-25T12:16:00.000-07:00

Last night I was pondering how when we walk a trial we often fall into knowing more of it's pain as others walking similar trials seem to encircle our lives. I closed my eyes and imagined a gentle whirlwind with a mother inside. This whirlwind was speckled with beautiful flowers of all kinds, spinning about her. They were reflections of special moms that were also enduring hardships of unthinkable measures. With her arms out stretched, these flowers would gently brush against her and she would experience love, encouragement, laughter, tears and support as beautiful rays of light would streaming down offering peace & warmth. Now imagine yourself in the middle of this whirlwind and think of all the beautiful mom's that have and are encircling your life. I think it is a beautiful thing God sees when a loving whirlwind encircles around a hurting soul. This is what God intended in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4. I read this last night from the book, "Beside Still Waters" and thought of all the special Mom's that I have read about through their blog sites. If you are one of those precious Mom's, I hope I can brush up against your life and encourage you by saying, "All your going through has a divine purpose... do not grow weary for many blessing lay ahead. MORE THAN CONQUERORS Romans 8:37 "The diamonds of divine promises glisten brightly when placed in the setting of personal trials. I thank God that I have undergone fearful depression. I know the borders of despair and the horrible brink of that dark gulf into which my feet have almost gone. Because of this, I have been able to help brothers and sisters in the same condition. I believe that the Christians' darkest and most dreadful experiences will lead them to follow Christ and become fishers of men (Mark 1:17). Keep close to your Lord and He will make every step a blessing. The Holy Scripture is full of narratives of trials. Your life will be garnished with trials, like a rose is with thorns, but provision is made in the Word for Satan's assaults. Confidently believe that Scripture's wise plan is not in vain. You will have to battle the same spiritual foes that assailed and buffeted saints in days past, but spiritual armor will be your safeguard in times of attack (Eph. 6:11) As the Spirit sanctifies us in spirit, soul, and body, we become more like the Master. We are conformed to Him not only in holiness and spirituality, but also in our experience of conflict, sorrow, agony, and triumph. Jesus was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin (Heb.4:15). Now we are to be made like Him. The Savior's public life begins and ends with trials. It commences in the wilderness in a contest with Satan (Matt. 4:1), and it ends in Gethsemane in a dreadful battle with the powers of darkness (John 17). If the Lord's victory was won on Golgotha in blood and wounds, surely our crown will not be won without wrestling and overcoming. We must fight if we would reign, and through the same conflicts that brought the Savior His crown, we will obtain the palm-branch of everlasting victory (Rev. 7:9)".

Reaching For The Stars!

2008-05-24T08:46:00.000-07:00

Here's an update on the grant requests that were sent out to help aid in the cost of the Bruno Chair Lift System for Abby. I receive a call from Diane from the Castle Rock Chamber of Commerce and she mentioned a company that had not yet donated for the month of May and he wanted to know if she knew of a family in need in the Castle Rock area. She said she immediately thought of Abby and gave them our information and to expect a $500.00 check! WOW, how gracious! Diane also mentioned that she works for The "Women's Aid" group. They work on getting small funding for people in Castle Rock. They have selected Abby as one of three recipients to receive funds for the month of June... WOW, I was so overwhelmed her kindness! We are still waiting to hear from The "Friends of Man", a 100% charity group. We have "Reached For The Stars" by asking them for the full cost of the chair.... what could it hurt, I thought? All they could say is, "no". Maybe they'll offer a smaller amount, but we would be so grateful for anything! So, we I keep you apprised on this as we hear more. If you think of it, please pray for this chair to be fully funded as Abby and my back and our bank account would greatly appreciate it!

Chapman Family

2008-05-24T07:52:00.000-07:00

Please continue to pray for this precious family.

http://chapmanchannel.typepad.com/inmemoryofmaria/

Abigail & Mommy

2008-05-23T07:50:00.001-07:00

My precious "Little Lamb" intrusted to me by our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ,

Mommy loves you so, so very much!

Mommy read this verse the morning of the day you were born.

James 1:17

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadows."

Little did I know my world was to change in a direction I never imagined and I am so blessed that it did! My life before you, a faint & blurry memory, but now so full of joy and a new understanding of Gods grace and mercy for me! Thank you my little one for being used as a vessel for our savior to aid in sanctifying mommy so that I may bear the aroma of Jesus! I can truly say you are blessing hand picked just for me and I am forever indebted to you!

I LOVE YOU ABIGAIL GRACE!!!!

We have, "SMILES" but some are not good!

2008-05-21T09:25:00.000-07:00

Abigail's seizures have returned... I am very saddened to say. We are fortunate that they are not as horrible as they were in the past. For now she jolts pretty hard, her arms swing out and up and they get very stiff. Her head always turns to the right and they last anywhere between 1-5 seconds. Each day is different as the amount she is having, but she always smiles afterwards which I love because it makes me feel like she is saying, "It didn't hurt momma!" She used to have these rarely between her other seizures and we'd call them the "Happy Seizures".

I spoke with Dr. Devinskie yesterday and he has upped her medicine back to where she was originally in hopes that this stops them. I wonder if her body has become immune to the Sabril... Not sure, we will find out. We are going to NY again to see Devinskie and I ask that all would pray that we would get clear answers as to what is happening.

God has been so good for these past 1 and 1/2 years to bless us without any seizure activity. Matt and I are preparing each day for what He holds for us and Abigail... I see myself back in the rollercoaster and strapped in... The unknown lays ahead and wether good or not... I know that my Jesus is right there with me... "All for His glory", I shout! I may scream in hurt or shout out in joy, but either way I know I am being sancatified... "Let this ride begin"! I want to thank you all in advance for all your continued loving support in prayer for our little Lampkin! Blessings,

Words Better Left Unspoken

2008-05-14T16:28:00.001-07:00

Enduring a trial for a little more than 3 years has opened many doors for words better left unspoken by those who only have my best interest in mind. These very sincere people want really nothing more than to somehow feel they can relate to the path I am walking. I have had many talks with family and close friends also enduring trials of various degrees that have all expressed at one time or another, the “sting” of words spoken to them from a sincere heart.

I want to be completely transparent and honest for those who want nothing more than to “relate” or “pass along encouraging words” so that you may peek inside this world, if not for just but a moment and hopefully see the impact your words of encouragement may have on a soul that is broken & tired.

Please know that it is with a sincere and fragile heart that I broach this topic as I try and share with you perspective from a different world. These words, “a different world” I choose to use because they best sum up where heavy laden trial goers feel they are when enduring such times. I’d like to tell a short story to provide a baseline for where I am going with all this.

Imagine just for a moment, Little Bo Peep walking into Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary with bible in hand desiring nothing more than to share the gospel and encouraging words with lost souls behind bars. She is given a visitors badge and walked down heavily secured halls until she reaches a room where behind a table sits a man with wrists and ankles bound in chains. His sleeves are rolled up revealing partial tattoos expressing pride and defiance. His face is aged and scared telling stories of a life battled with explosive anger, fear, regret, denial and depression. His eyes slant with jousting curiosity as he look’s upon Little Bo Peep with her bible in hand. He thinks to himself, “What in the world is she doing here?” Little Bo Peep’s heart is so tender and sweet and looks at this man with a deep desire to encourage with scripture and say comforting words like; “I understand what you must be going through”, “God never gives us more than we can handle”, “At least you have shelter and food.” She then opens her bible to offer scripture in hopes of providing him hope while he sits in utter despair. Instead of feeling comfort, he is angered as his brow furrows and his mouth tightens up. “How can this girl say she understands what I have and am going through? She has not walked down the road I have, nor lived a day, or even a minute for that matter in my shoes!” While she continues to read scripture and share stories of similar situations she has heard of or knows from a distant relative, he sits and grows in irritation and bewilderment as to why she continues. When she has finished she smiles sweetly, pats him on the shoulder and says she is praying for him and walks away. He is left feeling more frustration and thinking how blind she must be to think that she has made any impact on his life.

I hope that this short illustration offers an insightful perspective. Tired and broken hearts know the intent of kindness as you reach out to them. As mentioned in the illustration, please try and understand that sharing a similar sad story is not a source of encouragement to us nor is it uplifting! Cliché’s like, “God never gives us more than we can handle”... This Is Not Biblical! It is quite the contrary actually! God does allow for the un-thinkable, the un-do-able and the un-wanted all at the same time! All the while He stretches you so thin, you feel as though are no more as you hang on by your fingernails and feel as though you are drowning! Then, when you call upon Him... sometimes He is silent and you experience the depths of despair and at the same time know that He has not abandon nor forsaken us!

It is during these fluxes in the trial that we cling to the safety of our home. We pull the blinds down, turn off the ringers and muffle the dog and kids as a knock sounds at the front door. It is here that we reach out only to those we know have walked or are walking in the midst of a storm. Why, a common bond and nothing more. Not exact in trial, as God has given us each our own unique hand picked one, but a common bond does exists and provides comfort in only the way a suffering saint can offer. Crying is easier with another who suffers, allowing ourselves to laugh with another who suffers is easier because we know that it is not a sign of dismissing our trial nor does it say that we are all better now, but that it is a release, for but a moment with one that understands our sometimes demented humor. Confiding in another that suffers also offers a support that can not be described. There are so many emotions, feelings, thoughts and actions that we go through as we try and stay above the water that only a suffering saint once again can truly respond with, “I understand”.

I know your hearts ache for those close to you enduring storms of all kinds, so I wanted to offer a few important points to reflect on to prepare your hearts as you talk with them.

* Words are wonderful, but please remember it is important to understand that you can not fix trials with them. Only God can provide what His child needs for their weary soul. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows”.

* The simple words, “I love you”, “I am praying for you” or “I am so sorry, I know you’re hurting” offer so much more than you could imagine! Proverbs 15:23 “A man finds joy in giving an apt reply – and how good is a timely word!” Ecclesiastes 10:12 "Words from a wise man’s mouth are gracious, but a fool is consumed by his own lips.” Proverbs 16:24 "Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”

* To Love a broken heart through their trial is following Galatians 6:2 “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Notice this verse does not contain a time limit!! Please be sensitive in that all grieve and handle hardships differently. Some bounce back quickly & others are slow to heal! Ask yourself if you can really commit to Galatians 6:2. With a death the 1st year is the hardest on the soul and every holiday makes it that much harder. Can you offer to commit to pray for them for a year? Remember to send a note in the mail, these are so uplifting and usually come at just the right time!

I feel as though I could go on and on, but do not want to overwhelm. It is my heart to give a brief insight into “a different world” of the suffering soul. I pray I have not offended any readers... this was not the purpose of this post. I also pray that if you are on the outside looking in, that this would be received well. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." In Christ,

Aunty's Jen I've Got Your Glasses!

2008-05-10T09:11:00.000-07:00

SEIZURES!

2008-05-08T18:41:00.000-07:00

I have a prayer request. Abigail for the past 2 weeks has been jolting every once in a while. These jolts would last for 1-5 seconds, nothing to bad. As most know, Dr. Devinskie did up her Sabril dose back to what it was and I was hoping that this would "fix" them, not the case. I have only witnessed about 7 of them and Matt said he saw her do this once last week. I am hoping that after the Sabril dose is built back up in her system they will go away... Yesterday we were practicing her sitting and she jolted really hard, turned her head right and tightened up. My heart stopped and I just stared at her. It only lasted a few seconds, but still heart stopping non the less! She smiled and went right back to being herself... I picked her up and just held her and started to cry repeating over and over that I loved her so much, my little lambkin! I got so scared and wondered if God is preparing me for a new storm and if I was soon going to be back on the roller coaster of emotional pain. I could not let her go fearing she might jolt again. I wanted to squeeze her so hard not wanting anything else to happen. My love for her was overwhelming right then! Awhile later I was sharing with Matt that the love God has for us, His children, is so much more than in that small intense moment that I had with Abby. I thought of God wanting to pick me up, put His arms around me, squeeze so hard and tell me over and over that He loves me so much! This brings a lump to my throat... How often I get caught up in my kids and life and forget that God loves me so much, so much more that I can ever imagine... Overwhelming, the Alpha and Omega, creator of this universe and all that it encompasses LOVES ME! He is so intimately acquainted with all my ways and sees me in perfection through the veil of His son Jesus Christ! I pray that the seizures will not return and ask that you too petition at the Lords feet for this same request with me. Thank you for listing and for praying!