January 10, 2009


Doing dishes this morning I looked over to see Daisy May at the window longing to go outside... to be free to roam the neighborhood! Oh so silly, but I really knew how she felt.

This photo captures where I am at mentally, physically and spiritually. I don't like this feeling... waiting for something to happen...good of course, not bad. Putting my hope in a possible move to somewhere other than brown, boring, cold Colorado. Wanting to loose these extra pounds that have moved in since Abby's arrival and invited unwanted permanent guests! Obtaining a fleeting moment of motivation only to have it disappear just as quick as it came. No desire to read, pray or spend time with my Father. Feeling house bound because of my daughter (only few readers will get this). Not wanting to talk to anyone but only those that have walked in my shoes... Feel my heart harden, break and feel crushed when I see other mothers holding their child that is growing as they should be whether older or younger and passing my sweet angel developmentally... STING!!!!

I'm just white and sometimes wanting nothing more than to just fade away... to heaven... Oh how I long for perfection in heaven with my savior.

These dry seasons I am all to familiar with and more than not, it is here that I reside, struggling to pull myself up the boot straps just to keep trekking through this barren desert. I know He allows us to partake in the desert to see how we stand on our own. Why can't I be strong all the time when entering this land, seize the opportunity in this season and show Him that I can do this. I hate that I fall back and slump on a rock, look around and just give into my defeat! I just wish I knew where stood in my life, what exactly my purpose is here and I wish that I felt confident in how I am to achieve it. I want to yell out to God that my life struggles with Abby are enough, can't He make everything else just flow?

I know that we are to be content with our circumstances in all things, that we should seek Christ daily on our knees, lean on Him for our strength...
yadda, yadda, yadda!
It's o.k. really, I'm o.k.

I'm just a mom with "disabled-child-blues" who's caught in a spiral of "a-child-of-God-trials", who's being completely transparent as she voices her heart into this vast space...

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