Lately Sunday's have been a great struggle for me. I think the evil forces at work are on overtime and then some! This is the ONLY day of the week that I could sleep in until 3! When I FORCE myself to get up, I'm extra lethargic and drag my feet, but oye how awake and sharp my mind is as it quickly begins working on every possible excuse to not go! More often than not, I fall back on these four;
1. What am I going to benefit from it? I'll I do is push Abby in her stroller the whole time "outside" the sanctuary to keep her from getting fussy. Can't participate, so why go?
2. This winter weather is too cold to take her out in and I don't want to go through all the preparation it takes just to get her out!
3. I'm fat and don't have anything to wear and I don't want to make the effort to get up there and do the dreaded work on myself to make me presentable!
4. Once I am there I feel awkward, no one knows what to say to me, no one knows my struggle, look at all these PERFECT little ones running circles around my daughter... I don't want to deal with it!
I can say that no matter how much I fight it... once I'm there... I am always glad I we went. These excuses really are just that, excuses!
1. Lately, there has been offers to push Abby so I CAN sit with my husband and partake in worship and the service. This also allows other to serve and have time with her and maybe see a fraction of what I do and release me from this excuse.
2. The weather, granted it is sometimes really bad, but honestly I should not allow my environment to sway where I know in my heart I need to be. The preparation... All I have to do is go that extra mile & prepare the night before, pac the car and then the mornings are not that big of a hurdle! I've done it before I just need to persevere each Saturday night! Funny, I can remember to take the trash out the night before in the freezing cold and that's just trash! Why can't I pack my car the night before to help so I can spend time with God!
3. Seriously, I've just lost the desire to attempt to spent time on me. Not sure if this will ever come back, but again this should not be stone on the scale that makes my decision to spend time with God.
4. In order to over come an obstacle, one must face it. My trails almost 4 years old, this emotion has come and gone. I don't know why God allows it to come back with a vengeance, but He does. He sees something in my heart that needs adjusting and this sting (if dealt with) seems to chisel away at its hardened outer shell. I truly am happy for all these moms and their perfect kids, (can you feel the sarcasm) no, really I am just sometimes it really hurts... God's allowing it, so I need to grab a hold of this pain instead of pushing it aside and deal with it and what better place than church? With every sting I just need to ask God to transform it into joy... pray for me on this one, I really need it.
So all this to get to my point of the message that I heard on Sunday. Our pastor was teaching of being a "tenant" and not a "master" in our lives. We all try to control everything, its human nature, and the world thrusts in our face that we are the masters of our lives, our fate... think it, believe it and its yours! How how wrong this is! Life actually screams out that there is a God! We know we can't do it, I need a Savior, I need a loving Father! To think that I would have complete control... I'm a mess right now, this is not control, its utter chaos!
When we try and take over, become masters of our lives, things go array! My life is not my own, I was created with one purpose, to glorify God... in my heart, my thoughts, my actions and with everything that He has blessed me with! No wonder I sit on my rock in my own defeat (read 2 posts below) because I have been trying to be master in my life, my home, with my children and everything else!
On a simpler scale its like trying to watch my oldest son who's 8 be master of his life. I know he will make multiple mistakes & bad choices... this can only lead to his destruction if I allowed it. I am his mother, he was given to me, Jacob can not change this so I will raise him up right with God leading me. This will entail him having guidelines, consequences, training to make the right choice, asking him to do things that are not enjoyable, but once learned will become a saving grace to him.
Same with me or you! God is our father, He has us on a training course now and with His leading we will be raised up to reflect Him. This will entail us having guidelines, consequences, training us to make the right choices, asking us to do things that are not enjoyable, but once learned will become our saving grace!
Just like the Master that purchased his field and hired tenants to care for it while he was gone. Some tenants rise up and want to become masters (me) and others stay the course have joy in their tenant name sake only to please the Master when He returns.
This is where I want to be... I thank God for His patience, long suffering and Grace towards me and my desire to master! I hope that if you have been with with me on that rock of defeat that you too can make that choice to crawl off, let go of being master of your life and resume tennantship of your life!
You are all so special to me, I want to thank you for your words of encouragement and prayers for me during this time. It's good that I went through this, I see the error of my ways and God has shown me immense love through you all!
All Glory To Him!
